Post by Rockinmuffin on Feb 25, 2007 21:12:06 GMT -5
Well, this chapter/page/whatever is for all the ladies in the hizouse… and maybe for a few men that are secure enough with their masculinity that they have no problem being portrayed as a woman. If you are one that can handle being portrayed as a member of the opposite sex then I highly suggest that you read the male and female side of the story. After all, they will be extremely different from each other and will contain different stories. So, if you enjoy my randomness than you should enjoy both stories.
Oh, and if you enjoy this story I know you’d absolutely love my one-shot (more like two-shot) One of Those Days. It’s as random as this story and it has a lot more Akatsuki members in it.
Now that I’m done trying to whore out my stories, I’d like to thank those of you that reviewed or even took the time to read this pathetic excuse for a form of literature. It really means a lot to me. And sorry in advance if this page isn’t as funny as the last.
I’m sure you’ve heard enough of my rambling now, so I’ll just start the story, okay? Good.
Page 3
You stepped away from your discarded clothing with a drunken smile on your face. You briefly wondered what had possessed you to do such a thing when you had never been so bold before in the past, but you pushed that thought to the back of your mind as you chugged the rest of you drink.
Itachi’s eyes widened briefly for about a millisecond, but quickly shrank back down to normal size as his face kept its emotionless expression. He held back a blush at the thought of the nearly-nude woman only a few feet away from him, clad only in a simple pair of underwear and brazier. After al, Itachi was still just a teenager with very teenagey thoughts and needs. Unbeknownst to most people, the former Uchiha prodigy was a complete and utter closet pervert…
…And judging by the small trail of blood that slowly seeped out from his left nostril, despite how much the stoic Uchiha man tried to will it away, said pervert was thinking thoughts that were… well, perverted. That sick freak. If only his parents knew what was going on his mind currently! They’d be rolling in their graves.
You didn’t give the cloaked girl/girly-man/it much thought as you chugged down another beer, enjoying the hazy state of confusion in your mind; it was pleasant enough. It was sort of like that feeling you get after you beat yourself over the head with a hammer for an hour or two.
“Hey, Bartender!” you called obnoxiously as you leaned over the counter, catching a glance of the quivering man as he cradled himself back and forth in a fetal position on the floor. He looked up at you warily, preparing himself for some drunken, verbal abuse. “I’d like a Sex on the Beach! …And hold the beach!”
Kisame instantly came back to consciousness because, deep down in their loins, all men have a one-track mind. “What about sex and a beach?” That’s when Kisame’s beady little eyes spotted you.
Now, Kisame was no stranger when it came to the anatomy of the opposite sex, however, his experience with half-naked women was… very limited. For some odd reason that was beyond Kisame’s comprehension, ladies just didn’t seem to go for the tall, blue, and sharky. Oh well, it was their loss.
Kisame continued to stare at you; his right eye twitching as he carefully looked you up and down. He stood up, moving closer to you while scratching his chin in thought. He tilted his head to both sides as he continued to look you over before his slowly-operating mind (due to the intoxication from the drinks and the mild concussion he received from that blow to his head, thanks to you) finally came to a brilliant conclusion.
“Holy fish on a stick! You’re a girl?!”
Both you and Itachi turned towards Kisame with dull expressions.
“No shit, Sherlock” you answered as you took a sip of your drink (Sex on the Beach, hold the Beach). It seemed his comment had sobered you up enough for you to act like your normal PMS-ing self.
Why was it that people couldn’t ever tell that you were a girl? You were feminine enough, right? Right. Of course you were. Everyone else was just sexist to think that a psychotic, evil megalomaniac bent on world domination couldn’t be a woman. Yeah, that’s it.
And that’s when you noticed everyone’s eyes on you.
You glared back at them, smirking like the Grinch that stole Christmas. “That’s right, you pathetic fools. Worship me with your eyes for I shall one day become your ruler! Now bow down to me like the worthless dogs you are.”
Nobody bowed, but they continued to stare at you in a mixture of fear and awe. …Within fifteen minutes you finally remembered you were wearing nothing but your lacey undergarments.
You quickly gathered up your pants, shirt, and cloak and put them on, much to the bartender’s delight and Itachi’s dismay. Luckily for Itachi, he used his Sharnigan to implant your image within his brain for further use…
And yes, that was intended to sound perverted.
Now, you had instantly sobered up and since you were so sober you knew that you would never, never undress yourself in a public place. …So someone else must’ve done it instead.
You immediately turned towards Kisame and his girlfriend/boyfriend. “Which one of you smarmy bastards undressed me and took advantage of me in my one moment of weakness…?”
The bartender quickly intervened, “You undressed yourself, you little drunken floozy.”
You turned to the man with a glare. When you ruled the world, he would be the first to face your wrath. But, because you weren’t the ultimate ruler of the world (yet), you settled for throwing the rest of your drink on the bartender’s fancy dress shirt.
…Because there’s nothing more evil than leaving alcohol stains on expensive, designer-brand clothing.
“FEEL MY WRATH, MORTAL!” And then you ran out of the bar and off into the forest, laughing maniacally for your evil deed because all the cool bad guys laugh maniacally during their getaway scenes. And you’re cool. At least, that’s what your mommy told you.
“Wait!” Kisame called, quickly chasing after you. “Come back! Who else will I get shit-faced with and beat up for fun?!”
You looked back in horror as the shark-man started closing in on you. In fact, you were so horrified by being chased by a giant walking shark (and who wouldn’t?) that you failed to notice the tree that was smack-dab in front of you.
“Ow… My head” you muttered as you fell to the ground, rubbing your forehead and glaring at the evil tree that dared to get in your way. Oh the evil things you would do to it once your chakra reserves were full again.
“Got’cha!”
You jumped as your arm was grabbed in a strong grip. You turned and glared at Kisame whom was staring at you with a shit-eating grin, which was pretty bad. I mean, if you’re eating shit and grinning then you’re either having a pretty bad day or there’s definitely something wrong with you… >.> Ahem, moving on.
“I was worried you’d run off” Kisame said with a pout, which looked really creepy on him. Sharks shouldn’t pout. Ever. And while you were at it, neither should weasels. “But it’s okay now because I caught you! Now I can take you back to the Akatsuki and you can be my pet and I’ll love you and hug you and feed you expensive name-brand cat-food and name you Bob the second since my first Bob died last week because I locked him in my closet for going potty on the floor and then forgot about him!”
You glared at him. “My name’s not Bob… It’s _____!” you declared dramatically. A flash of lightning came out of nowhere at the sound of your name because it was such an awesomely evil name that it came with its own melodramatic lightning flash accompaniment for the low price of $5.99 a month.
“Awwww! Bob, you’re such a little cutie!” the man squealed in delight as he pulled you into a bone-crushing hug.
The hug was so strong that not only did it break your bones but it also cut off your airway. Soon, your face was turning as blue as Kisame’s. “C-can’t… breathe… Need… oxygen!”
Kisame raised an eyebrow in curiosity. “Why do all my pet Bobs always say that to me?”
“YOU’RE CRUSHING ME WITH YOUR BLUBBER YOU STUPID, FAT WHALE!” you screamed then bit him on the shoulder for good measure.
“I-I’m not fat…” Kisame’s little beady shark eyes filled with unshed tears! “WAAAAAAAH! Bob! How can you be so mean and insensitive to me?!” Kisame then proceeded to hide in a bush and cry.
Little did you know, Kisame was actually incredibly sensitive when it came to his weight. He’d been on a diet for two months now and had even managed to lose ten pounds thanks to the wonderful Jenny Craig program. His excellent progress even helped him to get a better self-esteem and more confidence and he had been planning on getting a steady job as a used-car salesman and asking out that cute Dolphin trainer that worked at Sea World. However, your cruel words easily crushed and destroyed all Kisame’s hopes and dreams and brought his self-confidence to an all-time low.
Wow, you really are evil. You’ve earned yourself a congratulatory pat on the back.
“Cold-hearted bitch” Kisame muttered to himself as he pulled a box of Twinkies out of his cloak and took out his anger on the fattening treat by stuffing his face with them. Lucky for him, he was still drunk and probably wouldn’t remember any of this by tomorrow morning.
You ignored the blue shark man in favor of spitting on the forest floor. He still tasted like bad sushi that had expired months ago. You wished you had some of those yummy noodles that the emo boy had thrown at your face earlier that day. They were yummy num-nums for your tum-tum.
Speaking of emo boys, what ever happened to that boy and his hyperactive friend and his female, pink-haired stalker. Last time you saw them they were beating up some weird snake-like pedophile with purple mascara and an obscenely long tongue. You almost missed the annoying little douche bags. Almost.
“You.”
You twitched as that weird feminine man named Itachi appeared before you out of nowhere with his awesome ninja skills. You quickly composed yourself and stared at him with a bored expression and narrowed eyes. “Yes?”
“Where’s my partner?”
Partner? What was that wrinkle-faced drag queen talking about? Oh wait, he must’ve meant that Kisame guy. Were they life-partners or something? Well, you didn’t think Kisame looked like he was gay but looks could be deceiving…
You pointed to the bushes where Kisame was crying to himself and drowning his sorrows in a box of calorie-infested, cream-filled desserts.
Itachi closed his eyes in annoyance. “Great. He took out the Twinkies again. …And he’s sitting in poison ivy.” Had he not have had a reputation of having a stick shoved up in the deepest crevices of his ass, Itachi would have groaned in annoyance, but he couldn’t because he was an evil, emotionless bastard with nice hair and pretty nails.
Instead, Itachi turned towards you with emotionless eyes. “You did this” he stated, not needing to ask, as he pointed towards the bush that was making whimpering sounds.
You nodded your head slowly, preparing to get into a fighting stance in case the stoic man suddenly turned psycho on you. You weren’t sure what that Itachi guy was going to do to you but it couldn’t be anything good. After all, you made his gay lover cry.
“…You’re coming with us.”
You face-planted. “What?!”
“If you can reduce a member of Akatsuki to this,” he gestured to Kisame whom was now smearing Twinkie cream over his arms and legs to try and get rid of the itchy rash that was appearing all over his skin, “Then you must be evil. You might actually be of some use to the Akatsuki.”
You were having some very conflicting emotions right now. Your inner giggling fan-girl wanted you to accept his invitation and become a part of the infamous Akatsuki gang while your inner evil villain wanted you to rule the world without help from anyone else other than some evil minions and underlings. Oh, what a conundrum you found yourself in!
Alas, the evil villain within you won the argument because it threatened to rape you in your dreams if you didn’t obey it. “Sorry, but I’d rather not be a pawn of the Akatsuki. I have my own agenda” you replied in a smooth voice.
“Oh? That’s too bad” Itachi said, not really sounding disappointed in the least bit. “If you won’t come with us willingly then we’ll just have to take you by force.”
Oh no he didn’t! There was no way that you were going to let yourself get kidnapped by a cult that wore matching outfits and purple nail polish! You growled at Itachi and pulled out your magical, handy-dandy plot-hole stick and threw it at Itachi’s face.
Itachi easily stepped out of the way and stared at you with narrowed eyes.
Great. All you succeeded in doing was upsetting him. How could your precious stick fail you?! Still, you had no time to mourn over the uselessness of your stick at the moment; what you needed was a distraction so that you cold escape. But what?
“I’m Naruto Uzumaki! Believe it!” shouted an orange streak as it ran around you and Itachi in circles. Believe it, believe it, believe it, believe it, BELIEVE IT!”
You twitched. “Are you finished?”
Naruto glared at you. “Just a minute!” He then took a deep breath in and composed himself. “Datte Bayo, bitches. Now I’m done!”
Kisame’s head peeked out from his spot in the bushes! “The Kyuubi” he screamed in a crazed manner, his mouth still smeared with the Twinkie’s cream-filling. Like a rabid weasel on crack, he pounced out of the bushes and chased after Naruto on all fours.
“Oh shit! Believe it!” Naruto barely managed to dodge to the side as Kisame leapt towards him. He then made strange hand signs in an order you couldn’t quite recognize. “Sexy no jutsu!” he screamed as he was blanketed by a puff of smoke.
And when the smoke thinned away, in Naruto’s place was a beautiful, blonde, naked woman.
Itachi and Kisame instantly passed out from blood loss due to the severe nosebleeds Naruto gave them.
Naruto grinned then changed himself back into a short, blonde twerp. “Come on!” he shouted as he grabbed your hand and tugged you through the forest. You followed closely behind him, wondering why a twelve-year-old boy would have a need for such a perverted technique.
After you came across several disgusting theories that you really didn’t want your mind to linger on, you pushed the thoughts out of your head and decided that it really wasn’t anything important anyway. Still, his skills were both powerful and useful; perhaps you could somehow convince the boy to become one of your evil henchmen?
Naruto stopped abruptly, causing you to collide into his back and make the both of you fall to the ground in a dirty, sweaty, and slightly painful pile. You quickly stood up and brushed the dirt off of your cloak. You grabbed Naruto by his collar and pulled him up, preparing to beat him for making you look like a fool when you saw why he stopped.
The both of you had come across a fork in the road.
On the right side was a path with a yellow-brick road. The sky over the path was sunny and bright and the road was lined with lollipops, gumdrops, and dancing midgets. A giant rainbow appeared and several birds began to chirp in a cheery tune.
On the left side was a dark and spooky path. The thick canopy of the trees blocked away all sources of sunlight making it very hard to see. You could hear the eerie hoot of an owl and an irritable hiss of a cat. In the far distance, when you squinted your eyes, you were almost sure that you saw a creepy-looking mansion in the distance.
Such wonderful choices.
“I think we should go that way! Believe it!” Naruto exclaimed as he pointed towards the path on the right. He winked saucily at one of the female dancing midgets and made suggestive gestures with his hands.
You glared at him and smacked him in the back of his head. He glared at you so you promptly kicked him in the shin.
Kisame and Itachi could wake up any moment and come after you so you would have to choose fast.
For the path on the right, go to page 5.
For the path on the left, go to page 6.
Oh, and if you enjoy this story I know you’d absolutely love my one-shot (more like two-shot) One of Those Days. It’s as random as this story and it has a lot more Akatsuki members in it.
Now that I’m done trying to whore out my stories, I’d like to thank those of you that reviewed or even took the time to read this pathetic excuse for a form of literature. It really means a lot to me. And sorry in advance if this page isn’t as funny as the last.
I’m sure you’ve heard enough of my rambling now, so I’ll just start the story, okay? Good.
Page 3
You stepped away from your discarded clothing with a drunken smile on your face. You briefly wondered what had possessed you to do such a thing when you had never been so bold before in the past, but you pushed that thought to the back of your mind as you chugged the rest of you drink.
Itachi’s eyes widened briefly for about a millisecond, but quickly shrank back down to normal size as his face kept its emotionless expression. He held back a blush at the thought of the nearly-nude woman only a few feet away from him, clad only in a simple pair of underwear and brazier. After al, Itachi was still just a teenager with very teenagey thoughts and needs. Unbeknownst to most people, the former Uchiha prodigy was a complete and utter closet pervert…
…And judging by the small trail of blood that slowly seeped out from his left nostril, despite how much the stoic Uchiha man tried to will it away, said pervert was thinking thoughts that were… well, perverted. That sick freak. If only his parents knew what was going on his mind currently! They’d be rolling in their graves.
You didn’t give the cloaked girl/girly-man/it much thought as you chugged down another beer, enjoying the hazy state of confusion in your mind; it was pleasant enough. It was sort of like that feeling you get after you beat yourself over the head with a hammer for an hour or two.
“Hey, Bartender!” you called obnoxiously as you leaned over the counter, catching a glance of the quivering man as he cradled himself back and forth in a fetal position on the floor. He looked up at you warily, preparing himself for some drunken, verbal abuse. “I’d like a Sex on the Beach! …And hold the beach!”
Kisame instantly came back to consciousness because, deep down in their loins, all men have a one-track mind. “What about sex and a beach?” That’s when Kisame’s beady little eyes spotted you.
Now, Kisame was no stranger when it came to the anatomy of the opposite sex, however, his experience with half-naked women was… very limited. For some odd reason that was beyond Kisame’s comprehension, ladies just didn’t seem to go for the tall, blue, and sharky. Oh well, it was their loss.
Kisame continued to stare at you; his right eye twitching as he carefully looked you up and down. He stood up, moving closer to you while scratching his chin in thought. He tilted his head to both sides as he continued to look you over before his slowly-operating mind (due to the intoxication from the drinks and the mild concussion he received from that blow to his head, thanks to you) finally came to a brilliant conclusion.
“Holy fish on a stick! You’re a girl?!”
Both you and Itachi turned towards Kisame with dull expressions.
“No shit, Sherlock” you answered as you took a sip of your drink (Sex on the Beach, hold the Beach). It seemed his comment had sobered you up enough for you to act like your normal PMS-ing self.
Why was it that people couldn’t ever tell that you were a girl? You were feminine enough, right? Right. Of course you were. Everyone else was just sexist to think that a psychotic, evil megalomaniac bent on world domination couldn’t be a woman. Yeah, that’s it.
And that’s when you noticed everyone’s eyes on you.
You glared back at them, smirking like the Grinch that stole Christmas. “That’s right, you pathetic fools. Worship me with your eyes for I shall one day become your ruler! Now bow down to me like the worthless dogs you are.”
Nobody bowed, but they continued to stare at you in a mixture of fear and awe. …Within fifteen minutes you finally remembered you were wearing nothing but your lacey undergarments.
You quickly gathered up your pants, shirt, and cloak and put them on, much to the bartender’s delight and Itachi’s dismay. Luckily for Itachi, he used his Sharnigan to implant your image within his brain for further use…
And yes, that was intended to sound perverted.
Now, you had instantly sobered up and since you were so sober you knew that you would never, never undress yourself in a public place. …So someone else must’ve done it instead.
You immediately turned towards Kisame and his girlfriend/boyfriend. “Which one of you smarmy bastards undressed me and took advantage of me in my one moment of weakness…?”
The bartender quickly intervened, “You undressed yourself, you little drunken floozy.”
You turned to the man with a glare. When you ruled the world, he would be the first to face your wrath. But, because you weren’t the ultimate ruler of the world (yet), you settled for throwing the rest of your drink on the bartender’s fancy dress shirt.
…Because there’s nothing more evil than leaving alcohol stains on expensive, designer-brand clothing.
“FEEL MY WRATH, MORTAL!” And then you ran out of the bar and off into the forest, laughing maniacally for your evil deed because all the cool bad guys laugh maniacally during their getaway scenes. And you’re cool. At least, that’s what your mommy told you.
“Wait!” Kisame called, quickly chasing after you. “Come back! Who else will I get shit-faced with and beat up for fun?!”
You looked back in horror as the shark-man started closing in on you. In fact, you were so horrified by being chased by a giant walking shark (and who wouldn’t?) that you failed to notice the tree that was smack-dab in front of you.
“Ow… My head” you muttered as you fell to the ground, rubbing your forehead and glaring at the evil tree that dared to get in your way. Oh the evil things you would do to it once your chakra reserves were full again.
“Got’cha!”
You jumped as your arm was grabbed in a strong grip. You turned and glared at Kisame whom was staring at you with a shit-eating grin, which was pretty bad. I mean, if you’re eating shit and grinning then you’re either having a pretty bad day or there’s definitely something wrong with you… >.> Ahem, moving on.
“I was worried you’d run off” Kisame said with a pout, which looked really creepy on him. Sharks shouldn’t pout. Ever. And while you were at it, neither should weasels. “But it’s okay now because I caught you! Now I can take you back to the Akatsuki and you can be my pet and I’ll love you and hug you and feed you expensive name-brand cat-food and name you Bob the second since my first Bob died last week because I locked him in my closet for going potty on the floor and then forgot about him!”
You glared at him. “My name’s not Bob… It’s _____!” you declared dramatically. A flash of lightning came out of nowhere at the sound of your name because it was such an awesomely evil name that it came with its own melodramatic lightning flash accompaniment for the low price of $5.99 a month.
“Awwww! Bob, you’re such a little cutie!” the man squealed in delight as he pulled you into a bone-crushing hug.
The hug was so strong that not only did it break your bones but it also cut off your airway. Soon, your face was turning as blue as Kisame’s. “C-can’t… breathe… Need… oxygen!”
Kisame raised an eyebrow in curiosity. “Why do all my pet Bobs always say that to me?”
“YOU’RE CRUSHING ME WITH YOUR BLUBBER YOU STUPID, FAT WHALE!” you screamed then bit him on the shoulder for good measure.
“I-I’m not fat…” Kisame’s little beady shark eyes filled with unshed tears! “WAAAAAAAH! Bob! How can you be so mean and insensitive to me?!” Kisame then proceeded to hide in a bush and cry.
Little did you know, Kisame was actually incredibly sensitive when it came to his weight. He’d been on a diet for two months now and had even managed to lose ten pounds thanks to the wonderful Jenny Craig program. His excellent progress even helped him to get a better self-esteem and more confidence and he had been planning on getting a steady job as a used-car salesman and asking out that cute Dolphin trainer that worked at Sea World. However, your cruel words easily crushed and destroyed all Kisame’s hopes and dreams and brought his self-confidence to an all-time low.
Wow, you really are evil. You’ve earned yourself a congratulatory pat on the back.
“Cold-hearted bitch” Kisame muttered to himself as he pulled a box of Twinkies out of his cloak and took out his anger on the fattening treat by stuffing his face with them. Lucky for him, he was still drunk and probably wouldn’t remember any of this by tomorrow morning.
You ignored the blue shark man in favor of spitting on the forest floor. He still tasted like bad sushi that had expired months ago. You wished you had some of those yummy noodles that the emo boy had thrown at your face earlier that day. They were yummy num-nums for your tum-tum.
Speaking of emo boys, what ever happened to that boy and his hyperactive friend and his female, pink-haired stalker. Last time you saw them they were beating up some weird snake-like pedophile with purple mascara and an obscenely long tongue. You almost missed the annoying little douche bags. Almost.
“You.”
You twitched as that weird feminine man named Itachi appeared before you out of nowhere with his awesome ninja skills. You quickly composed yourself and stared at him with a bored expression and narrowed eyes. “Yes?”
“Where’s my partner?”
Partner? What was that wrinkle-faced drag queen talking about? Oh wait, he must’ve meant that Kisame guy. Were they life-partners or something? Well, you didn’t think Kisame looked like he was gay but looks could be deceiving…
You pointed to the bushes where Kisame was crying to himself and drowning his sorrows in a box of calorie-infested, cream-filled desserts.
Itachi closed his eyes in annoyance. “Great. He took out the Twinkies again. …And he’s sitting in poison ivy.” Had he not have had a reputation of having a stick shoved up in the deepest crevices of his ass, Itachi would have groaned in annoyance, but he couldn’t because he was an evil, emotionless bastard with nice hair and pretty nails.
Instead, Itachi turned towards you with emotionless eyes. “You did this” he stated, not needing to ask, as he pointed towards the bush that was making whimpering sounds.
You nodded your head slowly, preparing to get into a fighting stance in case the stoic man suddenly turned psycho on you. You weren’t sure what that Itachi guy was going to do to you but it couldn’t be anything good. After all, you made his gay lover cry.
“…You’re coming with us.”
You face-planted. “What?!”
“If you can reduce a member of Akatsuki to this,” he gestured to Kisame whom was now smearing Twinkie cream over his arms and legs to try and get rid of the itchy rash that was appearing all over his skin, “Then you must be evil. You might actually be of some use to the Akatsuki.”
You were having some very conflicting emotions right now. Your inner giggling fan-girl wanted you to accept his invitation and become a part of the infamous Akatsuki gang while your inner evil villain wanted you to rule the world without help from anyone else other than some evil minions and underlings. Oh, what a conundrum you found yourself in!
Alas, the evil villain within you won the argument because it threatened to rape you in your dreams if you didn’t obey it. “Sorry, but I’d rather not be a pawn of the Akatsuki. I have my own agenda” you replied in a smooth voice.
“Oh? That’s too bad” Itachi said, not really sounding disappointed in the least bit. “If you won’t come with us willingly then we’ll just have to take you by force.”
Oh no he didn’t! There was no way that you were going to let yourself get kidnapped by a cult that wore matching outfits and purple nail polish! You growled at Itachi and pulled out your magical, handy-dandy plot-hole stick and threw it at Itachi’s face.
Itachi easily stepped out of the way and stared at you with narrowed eyes.
Great. All you succeeded in doing was upsetting him. How could your precious stick fail you?! Still, you had no time to mourn over the uselessness of your stick at the moment; what you needed was a distraction so that you cold escape. But what?
“I’m Naruto Uzumaki! Believe it!” shouted an orange streak as it ran around you and Itachi in circles. Believe it, believe it, believe it, believe it, BELIEVE IT!”
You twitched. “Are you finished?”
Naruto glared at you. “Just a minute!” He then took a deep breath in and composed himself. “Datte Bayo, bitches. Now I’m done!”
Kisame’s head peeked out from his spot in the bushes! “The Kyuubi” he screamed in a crazed manner, his mouth still smeared with the Twinkie’s cream-filling. Like a rabid weasel on crack, he pounced out of the bushes and chased after Naruto on all fours.
“Oh shit! Believe it!” Naruto barely managed to dodge to the side as Kisame leapt towards him. He then made strange hand signs in an order you couldn’t quite recognize. “Sexy no jutsu!” he screamed as he was blanketed by a puff of smoke.
And when the smoke thinned away, in Naruto’s place was a beautiful, blonde, naked woman.
Itachi and Kisame instantly passed out from blood loss due to the severe nosebleeds Naruto gave them.
Naruto grinned then changed himself back into a short, blonde twerp. “Come on!” he shouted as he grabbed your hand and tugged you through the forest. You followed closely behind him, wondering why a twelve-year-old boy would have a need for such a perverted technique.
After you came across several disgusting theories that you really didn’t want your mind to linger on, you pushed the thoughts out of your head and decided that it really wasn’t anything important anyway. Still, his skills were both powerful and useful; perhaps you could somehow convince the boy to become one of your evil henchmen?
Naruto stopped abruptly, causing you to collide into his back and make the both of you fall to the ground in a dirty, sweaty, and slightly painful pile. You quickly stood up and brushed the dirt off of your cloak. You grabbed Naruto by his collar and pulled him up, preparing to beat him for making you look like a fool when you saw why he stopped.
The both of you had come across a fork in the road.
On the right side was a path with a yellow-brick road. The sky over the path was sunny and bright and the road was lined with lollipops, gumdrops, and dancing midgets. A giant rainbow appeared and several birds began to chirp in a cheery tune.
On the left side was a dark and spooky path. The thick canopy of the trees blocked away all sources of sunlight making it very hard to see. You could hear the eerie hoot of an owl and an irritable hiss of a cat. In the far distance, when you squinted your eyes, you were almost sure that you saw a creepy-looking mansion in the distance.
Such wonderful choices.
“I think we should go that way! Believe it!” Naruto exclaimed as he pointed towards the path on the right. He winked saucily at one of the female dancing midgets and made suggestive gestures with his hands.
You glared at him and smacked him in the back of his head. He glared at you so you promptly kicked him in the shin.
Kisame and Itachi could wake up any moment and come after you so you would have to choose fast.
For the path on the right, go to page 5.
For the path on the left, go to page 6.