Post by Rockinmuffin on Jul 7, 2007 20:59:47 GMT -5
Disclaimer: Be happy that I own neither Naruto nor Cinderella.
I had a lot of fun writing this. My closest friend was the one who told me to do Cinderella next and she came up with the roles of the characters with the exception of one or two of them. I especially enjoyed portraying Leader as his part. God bless Italian stereotypes. (BTW, I’m half Italian so I’m allowed to make fun of it! Lol.)
Also, I have to seperate the story into two parts since this evil thing is too long and wouldn't die without a fight.
Once upon a time there was a little girl. This girl was called Cinderella because when she was a child she was hit in the head by a cinderblock. Luckily, the incident didn’t cause any permanent brain damage (that could be detected). Coincidentally, the girl being discussed is you.
Everyday you lived a life of servitude, forced to cook and clean for your wicked stepmother and stepsisters. Well, really, they were your stepfather and stepbrothers, but they liked to dress in drag and pretend they were pretty women. In the end it all worked out because they were all girly-men from the beginning and were more lady-like than you’d ever be.
Ahem. Moving on…
You cringed as you once again found yourself giving your evil stepmother a pedicure. You wouldn’t mind painting his toenails so much if he didn’t force you to use such a vile purple color. You didn’t think purple nail polish looked good on even women, let alone cross-dressing men. However, you kept your opinion to yourself; last time you made a comment about his nail polish, your stepmother smacked you across the head with a chamber pot. That had been an unpleasant experience that you didn’t care to repeat.
“Hey, Cinderella, watch the cuticles!” Itachi growled out as he kicked you lightly in the face.
“Yes, wicked stepmother” you responded, being more careful as you gave Itachi a pedicure. Normally you wouldn’t be so patient but you were in a fairly good mood at the moment. You decided that you would just sneak some chocolate laxative in his dinner to compensate. Or rat poison. Whichever you found first.
“CINDERELLA! I need you to help me put my hair up, yeah!” called your evil stepsister Deidara as he came running down the steps and glomped you from behind. However, as you were tackled by Deidara, this caused you to screw up as you were painting Itachi’s toenails, accidentally getting some nail polish on his skin.
As you tried to pry an annoying blonde off of your back, Itachi glared at you, his eyes narrowed down to tiny slits. He would have his revenge. Oh yes he would…
“Cinderella, I need you to spray some bug-killer in my room. I saw termites in my bed.” You briefly turned towards your other stepsister, Sasori, and agreed to do so with a nod of your head before turning back to Deidara and grabbing a tuft of his hair before pulling with all your might. He squealed like a wounded piglet but still managed to hold onto your back.
Sasori rolled his eyes then grabbed a hold of Deidara and pulled the blonde off of you. You gave the red-head an appreciative look before walking up the stairs to exterminate some pesky bugs.
You were almost at the very top of the stairs when the doorbell rang.
“Cinderella! Get the door!” Itachi called up to you, not even bothering to move to answer the door himself because he was a beautiful person and beautiful people such as himself shouldn’t have to do something as mundane and time-consuming as answering the door. That’s what average-looking people were for.
“I’m kind of busy at the moment!” you whined back, feeling much too lazy to answer the door yourself.
“Answer the door or I’ll let Deidara move into your room with you!”
That certainly got your attention.
“Oooooooh! Don’t answer the door, yeah” Deidara, who suddenly appeared at your side with his magical hyper-blonde powers, said with a grin. “Just think of all the fun we could have, yeah…”
You twitched. “Deidara, I’m your sister.”
“Only by law, yeah” he purred.
“…” You wasted no time in sliding down the banister and rushing off to answer the door; anything to get distance between you and a semi-incestuous, male stepsister.
Ignoring the whining sounds that came from Deidara, you opened the door to reveal an odd-looking man with weird eyes and a mask covering his mouth. You thought it was odd for him to cover his mouth but came to the conclusion that he must’ve had mouth herpes or canker sores or something along those lines so you made no comment.
“I have an announcement for all the women of the household” Kakuzu stated, eyeing you warily as he discreetly checked you out.
Before you could even raise a hand to smack him like a two-cent ho, Itachi, Sasori, and Deidara had appeared behind you. Kakuzu quirked an eyebrow as he observed your stepmother and stepsisters, most likely noticing that they were men, but made no remark about it. Instead, he cleared his throat and pulled a parchment out of his cloak.
“Ahem. The king is holding a ball for his son, the prince, to find a potential bride for the young man so that he won’t die a virgin.”
“Why doesn’t the king just hire a prostitute?” you interrupted. “It would be less expensive than throwing a party.”
“Hush!” Itachi commanded, smacking you in the back of the head. You pouted and rubbed your poor, abused noggin, but made no other comment.
“As I was saying, the king is throwing a ball to find a bride for the prince. All fair maidens within the kingdom are required to go to the ball and dress their best.” The man glared as you yawned loudly and rudely. “No exceptions.”
“Yes, yes, of course. We’ll be sure to be there” Itachi said with a dismissive wave of his hand. Kakuzu didn’t budge. “…You can leave now.”
Kakuzu gave Itachi an indignant look. “What? No tip?” Itachi didn’t hesitate to slam the door in the odd man’s face.
“Looks like we all have to go to this stupid dance” Sasori muttered indifferently.
You frowned. “Balls suck… balls.”
“It’s not so bad, Cinderella. I’ll help you find a pretty dress that you can wear to the ball, yeah” Deidara said with a grin as he grabbed you by the arm and tried to tug you away to the darkest depths of his room.
Luckily, your wicked stepmother intervened.
“Not so fast” Itachi would’ve snarled had he been capable of expressing emotion in his voice. He grabbed a hold of your arm that wasn’t being mercilessly tugged by Deidara and pulled you out of the blonde boy’s grip. “You can’t go to the dance Cinderella!”
“…Oh no. I’m so devastated” you replied with a sardonic roll of your eyes. Your stepmother and stepsisters were far too stupid (as well as distracted by their own beauty) to detect your sarcasm.
“But Mother, Cinderella has to go to the ball, yeah!” Deidara whined in a high-pitched squeal as he got down on his hands and knees. His only visible eye watered as he stared up at Itachi. “I wanna dance with her at the ball, yeah” he muttered pitifully with a pout.
“That man did say that all fair maidens were required to make an appearance” Sasori defended. “I don’t think she’d be allowed to skip out on a mandatory festivity held by the king.”
Itachi waved his hand flippantly. “Nonsense. No one would know if she wasn’t there and the prince would never choose to marry her when he can have one of us sexy beasties. Besides, she has lots of housework to do and I’m evil, so I shall force her to do them. And I’ll get away with this evil plot because I’m pretty and nothing bad ever happens to beautiful people. So there.”
Deidara wanted to say something but held his tongue; he knew better than to question Itachi’s logic because he, too, was pretty and knew the truth of his mother’s words. Sasori just stared on in space, not noticing as a large woodpecker landed on his head and started attacking his skull with its beak.
“Damn birds” you muttered as you shooed the pest away before it could lay its eggs in Sasori’s brain. “Deidara must’ve left the window open again.”
Sadly for you, the rest of your day was spent picking out shoes, styling hair, and fashioning homemade condoms from plastic grocery bags in order to prepare your stepmother and stepsisters for the prince’s ball(s).
On the bright side, they’d be gone for the night and you’d have the entire house to yourself. That meant there would be no one to stop you from playing Playstation 2, listening to J-pop music, and eating all the ice cream within a five mile radius of the house. In your opinion, it was a win/win situation.
“Deidara, Sasori, time to leave” Itachi called as he grabbed the keys to his pimp-mobile with the faux leopard print seats and the obligatory pink fuzzy dice hanging from the rear-view mirror. Sasori obediently walked outside and settled himself in the passenger’s seat of the car.
Deidara, however, was a little more reluctant to leave.
“NOOOOOOOOOO, yeah! I want to stay here and spend alone time with Cinderella!” the blonde screamed as he kneeled on the ground and wrapped his arms around your legs in a tight grip. “You can’t make me go to the ball and marry some loser prince that can’t get any without help from his daddy! I’m saving my virginity for Cinderella! …I mean, marriage, yeah!”
Your right eyelid twitched. You tried to step out of Deidara’s grasp but had little success; he was stuck to you like superglue.
Luckily, Itachi just so happened to have a crowbar in his purse, just in case some unlucky soul tried to steal the prince away from him and his beautiful sons/daughters because Itachi really wanted to live in a palace. After all, a beautiful person such as himself should live in an equally beautiful home. That, and Itachi had heard that all the beds had complimentary chocolate mints on the pillows and the evil stepmother happened to have a small weakness for sweets.
You waved goodbye, a fake smile on your face as Itachi dragged Deidara away, kicking and screaming, by the gender-confused boy’s hair. You suppressed a laugh as your stepmother forced the blonde in the car’s trunk. As soon as Itachi’s pimp-mobile drove off and was completely out of sight, you slammed the door shut and splayed yourself on the couch.
Finally, some peace and quiet.
“Squeak squeak squeak’m! Tobi’s a good mouse!”
You jumped a foot in the air at the sudden voice. Turning towards your right, you saw an odd man wearing an orange spiral mask with a pair of fake mouse ears on his head made from felt.
“Holy crap! Dude, what the hell are you doing in my house?!”
The man stared at you for a moment, tilting his head to the side like an idiot. You could almost see the wide grin on his face from behind that stupid mask of his. “Tobi’s a good mouse. Tobi gets the cheese” he responded, suddenly holding a large hunk of Swiss cheese in his hand.
“…Where’d you get that?”
“Random plot-hole.”
“All the random plot hole ever gives me is pain and misfortune.”
“…” The two of you engaged in a staring contest; you lost because Tobi was wearing a mask so you couldn’t even see if he blinked anyway. “Tobi’s a good mouse!” the weirdo exclaimed in victory.
You twitched some more then threw your arms in the air and ran to the kitchen like a crazy person, screaming “JGHDFKJGKFH!” or something equally stupid and nonsensical. As you entered the kitchen you immediately began searching for a blunt object to beat the mouse to death with. Or, better yet, the rat poison you had earlier planned to sneak into Itachi’s food.
Sadly, you found no such thing.
“Oh, if only I had some sort of magical, mystical being that could grant all my fickle wishes and desires!” you sighed aloud, resting your elbows on the tabletop. “If only this were some sort of fairy tale story instead of real life. Or at least a poorly written attempt at a fanfiction that parodies a fairy tale.”
However, little did you know, your plea had not gone unheard.
You jumped as you heard some cheesy Italian music, most likely from The Godfather soundtrack, begin to play. You turned around to see a shadowy man sitting at your kitchen table, a plate of spaghetti sitting in front of him.
“HEY! That’s my dinner!” you screamed, pointing towards the plate of pasta.
The man ignored your exclamation. “I have an offer you can’t refuse” the man spoke softly in a very bad attempt at an Italian accent. “I could help you get to the prince’s ball, for a small price.”
You raised an eyebrow. “I don’t really care about the ball; I hate dances. I’m much more interested in how you got into my house without setting off the alarm.”
“Squeak squeak! Tobi chewed through the wires! Tobi’s a good mouse!” Sitting at your feet was Tobi, the remains of what was once your home’s security system and alarm in his mouth.
“I hate my life” you said with a frown.
“As I was saying,” the wannabe mob-boss/godfather continued, “I have an offer you can’t refuse. And when I say that you can’t refuse it, I mean that I’ll cement your feet and toss you in the nearest river, capiche?”
You simply nodded your head.
“Good. Now I’ll tell you what I’m gonna do. I’ll get you a dress, shoes, a carriage; the works. Then you can go to the ball and hitch up with that prince guy. And, if by the end of the story you and princey are together, I get to keep your stepmother as payment. Deal?”
You thought the situation over thoroughly. Honestly, you had no desire to go to this ball, nor did you want to marry some weirdo you had never met before. However, if you refused the offer, you’d be swimming with the fishes, quite literally. Then again, if you married the prince then you could get rid of your evil stepmother for good. Not to mention that you could just break up with the prince and take half of his stuff in the divorce. Not too shabby.
With a shrug of your shoulders you had made your decision; “Yeah, sure. Why not? But first, who exactly are you?”
“You, Cinderella, may call me Leader. And I’m your fairy godfather.”
You quirked an eyebrow. “I have a fairy godfather? Since when? If you’re my fairy godfather then where were you when Deidara snuck into my room at night, tied me to a chair, and-”
“Who do I look like? Chuck Norris?” Leader interrupted you. “Look, kid, I’m a very busy person; you aren’t my only client. In fact, the only reason I’m helping you out right now is because you have a hot stepmother.”
“…You do realize my stepmother has a penis, right?”
Leader ignored you once again. “Now, to prepare you for the ball, we’re going to need a few things… Bippity! Boppity! Boo!” Three generic-looking henchmen jumped in through your window at Leader’s call, sending shards of glass scattered across the floor.
Super. Just what you needed; more stuff for you to clean up.
“Alright boys, I need you three to get Cindy here a dress, some shoes, and a sweet ride. Got it?” The three men nodded their heads and left, returning five minutes later with the requested items in their hands.
“Wow,” you stated, looking at the henchmen, “That was fast.”
“Yup. Badabing badaboom.”
“Yeah. …Wait, what?”
“Never mind.”
Leader snapped his fingers and his goons promptly handed over the items they had gathered for you. You were a bit disappointed with their haul, to say the least. The dress they gave you was two sizes too big and you could’ve sworn you saw some blood stains on it, the shoes which you originally thought were made of glass were really made out of cheap plastic, and the car… Well, the car was a pretty sweet ride but you would’ve been able to appreciate it more if it wasn’t parked in the middle of your kitchen.
“Now all you’re missing is an escort to the dance…” Leader tapped his chin in thought before turning towards Tobi with an evil smirk. Using his almighty Godfather powers he removed the pair of mouse ears off of the boy’s head.
“Tobi’s a real boy now!” squeaked the masked boy.
You rolled your eyes.
“There. Now you have everything you need to go to the dance” Leader stated, nodding his head in satisfaction. He then turned to Tobi and threw the keys to the car to the boy. Too bad the boy had terrible depth perception, otherwise he may have been able to catch the keys rather than get hit in the head by them. “Now be a good boy and drive Cindy to the ball.”
The boy smiled behind his mask. “Tobi’s a good boy!”
You sweat-dropped. “Um, Fairy Godfather, maybe I should drive-”
“Nonsense,” Leader interrupted, “I’m sure Tobi would be honored to drive you. Besides, women can’t drive!”
“But-”
“Women driving…” Leader drawled out, chuckling lightly. “What next? Women being given the right to vote? Ha!”
You decided to just ignore your godfather’s sexist laughter as well as his ignorance of women’s suffrage and just got into the passenger seat of the car, praying that you would somehow miraculously survive riding in the car with a boy that thought that wearing a pair of felt mouse ears made him a mouse.
“Don’t worry, Cinderella” Tobi started as he put the keys into the ignition. “Tobi’s a very good driver. Tobi will have no trouble taking you to the ball” he said cheerily just before accidentally backing the car through the kitchen wall and into the middle of the living room. “…Tobi can fix that.”
Something told you this was going to be a very long night.
Thirty minutes later, you and Tobi just barely arrived at the castle alive. Along the way Tobi had hit two cows, a skunk, three chickens, five rabbits, two possums, and a single pedestrian. But worst of all, Tobi’s crazy driving caused you to smear your lipstick when you were applying it in the car. Now you looked like a cheap whore. …Well, a cheaper whore.
It was sort of hard to not look like a whore in the ensemble Leader had given you.
Ahem. Tobi carefully parked the car into the metal gates of the castle’s entrance, only creating a small engine fire in the process, which was the least amount of damage he had caused all day. You stepped out of the car while Tobi tried to put out the fire with his coat, but all that did was cause the fire to grow and cost Tobi a new jacket. The two of you stared oddly at the car for a moment then quickly turned around and headed back towards the castle so you wouldn’t be around when the car exploded.
You had little trouble entering the castle seeing as all fair maidens within the kingdom were invited/required to attend the ball.
Tobi, however, was another story entirely. Tobi, being a male, was seen as a threat to the prince’s chances of scoring a date because he challenged the prince’s sexiness. Therefore he was promptly escorted by two large men to the nearest dumpster.
You would’ve helped him, really you would’ve, but you were too busy, uh… tying your shoes. “Wait a minute, my shoes don’t have any shoelaces” you muttered allowed, pointing out the narrator’s mistake and lack of creativity to think up a better excuse as you stared down at your feet.
You decided to let it slide; after all, you had more important matters to attend to. If you wanted to get rid of your evil stepmother then you had to go woo that virgin prince loser and become his new trophy wife. Easy as pie!
Mmmmmm… Pie…
You quickly wiped the drool away from your chin as you walked towards the snack table, your lips curled up in a grin.
Meanwhile…
“I can’t do this” Kisame muttered as a manservant helped him to dress up in a cheesy blue tuxedo. It wasn’t very princely attire but no one could deny that the color looked pretty darn good on him.
“Now, now. This is for the good of the kingdom” King Zetsu rationalized. Kisame choked in response as the manservant tied Kisame’s bowtie a little too tight. Zetsu saw this as a sign to continue. “We’re not getting any younger, Kisame. Soon we’ll be too old to rule the Kingdom and will have to pass the crown down to you. Unfortunately, you’re a complete idiot and would never be able to run the kingdom without a woman to make all the decisions for you. So, we need you to get married before we can crown you as king. That and we want some grandchildren. They’re delicious.”
Kisame groaned loudly. “Mom! Try and talk some sense into Dad!”
“…” The blue-haired queen remained silent.
“No use talking to her” Zetsu whispered quietly into his son’s ear. “She’s been acting bitchy since we ate her parents last week.”
The blue-haired woman’s eye twitched but she showed no other sign of hearing what Zetsu had said.
“Now go out there and make your father proud! …Or, at least try to not embarrass us any more than you usually do.”
Zetsu left no room for Kisame to protest as he pushed him out of the room, forcing the sharky prince to face all the unmarried women in his kingdom. He gulped as he felt all eyes in the room on him.
“Well… This sucks…”
You took a moment to pause from stuffing your face with bonbons and cocktail shrimp to take a look at that prince guy. Your eye twitched and you couldn’t contain yourself from spitting up a mouthful of pre-chewed food onto the nearest innocent bystander. She gave you an offended look before running off and crying but you didn’t feel guilty because, honestly, her dress was ugly and the food stains were an improvement.
Still, your fairy godfather expected you to marry that thing?! You had seen more appealing-looking men in dark alleys giving blowjobs in exchange for crack.
You sighed, taking a deep breath. It didn’t matter if you didn’t find him attractive; you just needed to marry him so Leader would take your stepmother away and allow you to live. Besides, the prince’s appearance was nothing a paper bag couldn’t fix.
You made a move to approach Kisame but found yourself being violently pushed out of the way. You glared at the person that pushed you aside and froze; it was your stepmother, Itachi. Luckily he hadn’t recognized you because he was too distracted by other things. Well, to be more precise, other people.
“Prince Kisame!” he called, grabbing onto the blue boy’s tuxedo sleeve. “What do you say you and me go somewhere more private and-”
“What?!”
“I mean, I’d love for you to meet my two daughters, Prince Kisame.” Itachi gave Kisame a fake smile which looked more creepy than inviting on Itachi’s face, but Kisame went against his instincts and followed Itachi nonetheless.
Kisame grinned when he saw Itachi’s two daughters. The one with the red hair seemed to have a distant look in the eyes while creating some strange contraption using nothing but discarded popsicle sticks while the blonde had a forlorn look, chibi tears trailing down pale cheeks.
Sure, it wasn’t the greatest first impression, but the blonde chick was hot!
“So…” Kisame drawled, sidling up next to Deidara. “What’s a fine girl like you doing in a place like this?”
Deidara frowned, turning to the prince with furrowed brows. “The king ordered all the women in the kingdom to come; I had no choice, yeah” he answered in a voice that certainly didn’t sound like it came from a woman, but Kisame was none the wiser. “Besides, what’s wrong with a pretty girl like me being in the castle? Are you calling me ugly, yeah?!”
“…Look, do you want to have sex or not?”
Deidara blanched. “NOOOOOOOOOOO, yeah! I’m saving my virginity for my honeymoon in Guatemala with Cinderella!” he squealed, the mouths on his hands blowing raspberries at Kisame. “And then we’ll live on a farm with lots of llamas and cultivate cabbages for a living with our two-hundred and eighty-three children that will have her eyes and my smile, yeah!” At this, Deidara got a dreamy look in his eye, the mouths on his hands grinning with him.
Kisame blinked. “That’s a lot of babies for one woman to push out…”
“STOP UNDRESSING ME WITH YOUR EYES, YEAH!”
Deidara proceeded to slap Kisame around a bit before grabbing a hold of the blue man’s arm and throwing him across the room, causing him to land in the punch bowl on the refreshment table. He landed quite ungracefully, but unharmed with the exception of his pride. Normally the king’s guards would’ve seized anyone who dared to even touch the prince without permission, but they stopped themselves when they realized how pretty the blonde, the red-head, and the ebony-haired men/women were; they were beautiful people so they could get away with it.
So, instead of helping to fish prince Kisame out of the punch bowl like they should’ve, the king’s guards shamelessly flirted with the three pretty ladies/gentlemen.
I had a lot of fun writing this. My closest friend was the one who told me to do Cinderella next and she came up with the roles of the characters with the exception of one or two of them. I especially enjoyed portraying Leader as his part. God bless Italian stereotypes. (BTW, I’m half Italian so I’m allowed to make fun of it! Lol.)
Also, I have to seperate the story into two parts since this evil thing is too long and wouldn't die without a fight.
~~*~~
Once upon a time there was a little girl. This girl was called Cinderella because when she was a child she was hit in the head by a cinderblock. Luckily, the incident didn’t cause any permanent brain damage (that could be detected). Coincidentally, the girl being discussed is you.
Everyday you lived a life of servitude, forced to cook and clean for your wicked stepmother and stepsisters. Well, really, they were your stepfather and stepbrothers, but they liked to dress in drag and pretend they were pretty women. In the end it all worked out because they were all girly-men from the beginning and were more lady-like than you’d ever be.
Ahem. Moving on…
You cringed as you once again found yourself giving your evil stepmother a pedicure. You wouldn’t mind painting his toenails so much if he didn’t force you to use such a vile purple color. You didn’t think purple nail polish looked good on even women, let alone cross-dressing men. However, you kept your opinion to yourself; last time you made a comment about his nail polish, your stepmother smacked you across the head with a chamber pot. That had been an unpleasant experience that you didn’t care to repeat.
“Hey, Cinderella, watch the cuticles!” Itachi growled out as he kicked you lightly in the face.
“Yes, wicked stepmother” you responded, being more careful as you gave Itachi a pedicure. Normally you wouldn’t be so patient but you were in a fairly good mood at the moment. You decided that you would just sneak some chocolate laxative in his dinner to compensate. Or rat poison. Whichever you found first.
“CINDERELLA! I need you to help me put my hair up, yeah!” called your evil stepsister Deidara as he came running down the steps and glomped you from behind. However, as you were tackled by Deidara, this caused you to screw up as you were painting Itachi’s toenails, accidentally getting some nail polish on his skin.
As you tried to pry an annoying blonde off of your back, Itachi glared at you, his eyes narrowed down to tiny slits. He would have his revenge. Oh yes he would…
“Cinderella, I need you to spray some bug-killer in my room. I saw termites in my bed.” You briefly turned towards your other stepsister, Sasori, and agreed to do so with a nod of your head before turning back to Deidara and grabbing a tuft of his hair before pulling with all your might. He squealed like a wounded piglet but still managed to hold onto your back.
Sasori rolled his eyes then grabbed a hold of Deidara and pulled the blonde off of you. You gave the red-head an appreciative look before walking up the stairs to exterminate some pesky bugs.
You were almost at the very top of the stairs when the doorbell rang.
“Cinderella! Get the door!” Itachi called up to you, not even bothering to move to answer the door himself because he was a beautiful person and beautiful people such as himself shouldn’t have to do something as mundane and time-consuming as answering the door. That’s what average-looking people were for.
“I’m kind of busy at the moment!” you whined back, feeling much too lazy to answer the door yourself.
“Answer the door or I’ll let Deidara move into your room with you!”
That certainly got your attention.
“Oooooooh! Don’t answer the door, yeah” Deidara, who suddenly appeared at your side with his magical hyper-blonde powers, said with a grin. “Just think of all the fun we could have, yeah…”
You twitched. “Deidara, I’m your sister.”
“Only by law, yeah” he purred.
“…” You wasted no time in sliding down the banister and rushing off to answer the door; anything to get distance between you and a semi-incestuous, male stepsister.
Ignoring the whining sounds that came from Deidara, you opened the door to reveal an odd-looking man with weird eyes and a mask covering his mouth. You thought it was odd for him to cover his mouth but came to the conclusion that he must’ve had mouth herpes or canker sores or something along those lines so you made no comment.
“I have an announcement for all the women of the household” Kakuzu stated, eyeing you warily as he discreetly checked you out.
Before you could even raise a hand to smack him like a two-cent ho, Itachi, Sasori, and Deidara had appeared behind you. Kakuzu quirked an eyebrow as he observed your stepmother and stepsisters, most likely noticing that they were men, but made no remark about it. Instead, he cleared his throat and pulled a parchment out of his cloak.
“Ahem. The king is holding a ball for his son, the prince, to find a potential bride for the young man so that he won’t die a virgin.”
“Why doesn’t the king just hire a prostitute?” you interrupted. “It would be less expensive than throwing a party.”
“Hush!” Itachi commanded, smacking you in the back of the head. You pouted and rubbed your poor, abused noggin, but made no other comment.
“As I was saying, the king is throwing a ball to find a bride for the prince. All fair maidens within the kingdom are required to go to the ball and dress their best.” The man glared as you yawned loudly and rudely. “No exceptions.”
“Yes, yes, of course. We’ll be sure to be there” Itachi said with a dismissive wave of his hand. Kakuzu didn’t budge. “…You can leave now.”
Kakuzu gave Itachi an indignant look. “What? No tip?” Itachi didn’t hesitate to slam the door in the odd man’s face.
“Looks like we all have to go to this stupid dance” Sasori muttered indifferently.
You frowned. “Balls suck… balls.”
“It’s not so bad, Cinderella. I’ll help you find a pretty dress that you can wear to the ball, yeah” Deidara said with a grin as he grabbed you by the arm and tried to tug you away to the darkest depths of his room.
Luckily, your wicked stepmother intervened.
“Not so fast” Itachi would’ve snarled had he been capable of expressing emotion in his voice. He grabbed a hold of your arm that wasn’t being mercilessly tugged by Deidara and pulled you out of the blonde boy’s grip. “You can’t go to the dance Cinderella!”
“…Oh no. I’m so devastated” you replied with a sardonic roll of your eyes. Your stepmother and stepsisters were far too stupid (as well as distracted by their own beauty) to detect your sarcasm.
“But Mother, Cinderella has to go to the ball, yeah!” Deidara whined in a high-pitched squeal as he got down on his hands and knees. His only visible eye watered as he stared up at Itachi. “I wanna dance with her at the ball, yeah” he muttered pitifully with a pout.
“That man did say that all fair maidens were required to make an appearance” Sasori defended. “I don’t think she’d be allowed to skip out on a mandatory festivity held by the king.”
Itachi waved his hand flippantly. “Nonsense. No one would know if she wasn’t there and the prince would never choose to marry her when he can have one of us sexy beasties. Besides, she has lots of housework to do and I’m evil, so I shall force her to do them. And I’ll get away with this evil plot because I’m pretty and nothing bad ever happens to beautiful people. So there.”
Deidara wanted to say something but held his tongue; he knew better than to question Itachi’s logic because he, too, was pretty and knew the truth of his mother’s words. Sasori just stared on in space, not noticing as a large woodpecker landed on his head and started attacking his skull with its beak.
“Damn birds” you muttered as you shooed the pest away before it could lay its eggs in Sasori’s brain. “Deidara must’ve left the window open again.”
Sadly for you, the rest of your day was spent picking out shoes, styling hair, and fashioning homemade condoms from plastic grocery bags in order to prepare your stepmother and stepsisters for the prince’s ball(s).
On the bright side, they’d be gone for the night and you’d have the entire house to yourself. That meant there would be no one to stop you from playing Playstation 2, listening to J-pop music, and eating all the ice cream within a five mile radius of the house. In your opinion, it was a win/win situation.
“Deidara, Sasori, time to leave” Itachi called as he grabbed the keys to his pimp-mobile with the faux leopard print seats and the obligatory pink fuzzy dice hanging from the rear-view mirror. Sasori obediently walked outside and settled himself in the passenger’s seat of the car.
Deidara, however, was a little more reluctant to leave.
“NOOOOOOOOOO, yeah! I want to stay here and spend alone time with Cinderella!” the blonde screamed as he kneeled on the ground and wrapped his arms around your legs in a tight grip. “You can’t make me go to the ball and marry some loser prince that can’t get any without help from his daddy! I’m saving my virginity for Cinderella! …I mean, marriage, yeah!”
Your right eyelid twitched. You tried to step out of Deidara’s grasp but had little success; he was stuck to you like superglue.
Luckily, Itachi just so happened to have a crowbar in his purse, just in case some unlucky soul tried to steal the prince away from him and his beautiful sons/daughters because Itachi really wanted to live in a palace. After all, a beautiful person such as himself should live in an equally beautiful home. That, and Itachi had heard that all the beds had complimentary chocolate mints on the pillows and the evil stepmother happened to have a small weakness for sweets.
You waved goodbye, a fake smile on your face as Itachi dragged Deidara away, kicking and screaming, by the gender-confused boy’s hair. You suppressed a laugh as your stepmother forced the blonde in the car’s trunk. As soon as Itachi’s pimp-mobile drove off and was completely out of sight, you slammed the door shut and splayed yourself on the couch.
Finally, some peace and quiet.
“Squeak squeak squeak’m! Tobi’s a good mouse!”
You jumped a foot in the air at the sudden voice. Turning towards your right, you saw an odd man wearing an orange spiral mask with a pair of fake mouse ears on his head made from felt.
“Holy crap! Dude, what the hell are you doing in my house?!”
The man stared at you for a moment, tilting his head to the side like an idiot. You could almost see the wide grin on his face from behind that stupid mask of his. “Tobi’s a good mouse. Tobi gets the cheese” he responded, suddenly holding a large hunk of Swiss cheese in his hand.
“…Where’d you get that?”
“Random plot-hole.”
“All the random plot hole ever gives me is pain and misfortune.”
“…” The two of you engaged in a staring contest; you lost because Tobi was wearing a mask so you couldn’t even see if he blinked anyway. “Tobi’s a good mouse!” the weirdo exclaimed in victory.
You twitched some more then threw your arms in the air and ran to the kitchen like a crazy person, screaming “JGHDFKJGKFH!” or something equally stupid and nonsensical. As you entered the kitchen you immediately began searching for a blunt object to beat the mouse to death with. Or, better yet, the rat poison you had earlier planned to sneak into Itachi’s food.
Sadly, you found no such thing.
“Oh, if only I had some sort of magical, mystical being that could grant all my fickle wishes and desires!” you sighed aloud, resting your elbows on the tabletop. “If only this were some sort of fairy tale story instead of real life. Or at least a poorly written attempt at a fanfiction that parodies a fairy tale.”
However, little did you know, your plea had not gone unheard.
You jumped as you heard some cheesy Italian music, most likely from The Godfather soundtrack, begin to play. You turned around to see a shadowy man sitting at your kitchen table, a plate of spaghetti sitting in front of him.
“HEY! That’s my dinner!” you screamed, pointing towards the plate of pasta.
The man ignored your exclamation. “I have an offer you can’t refuse” the man spoke softly in a very bad attempt at an Italian accent. “I could help you get to the prince’s ball, for a small price.”
You raised an eyebrow. “I don’t really care about the ball; I hate dances. I’m much more interested in how you got into my house without setting off the alarm.”
“Squeak squeak! Tobi chewed through the wires! Tobi’s a good mouse!” Sitting at your feet was Tobi, the remains of what was once your home’s security system and alarm in his mouth.
“I hate my life” you said with a frown.
“As I was saying,” the wannabe mob-boss/godfather continued, “I have an offer you can’t refuse. And when I say that you can’t refuse it, I mean that I’ll cement your feet and toss you in the nearest river, capiche?”
You simply nodded your head.
“Good. Now I’ll tell you what I’m gonna do. I’ll get you a dress, shoes, a carriage; the works. Then you can go to the ball and hitch up with that prince guy. And, if by the end of the story you and princey are together, I get to keep your stepmother as payment. Deal?”
You thought the situation over thoroughly. Honestly, you had no desire to go to this ball, nor did you want to marry some weirdo you had never met before. However, if you refused the offer, you’d be swimming with the fishes, quite literally. Then again, if you married the prince then you could get rid of your evil stepmother for good. Not to mention that you could just break up with the prince and take half of his stuff in the divorce. Not too shabby.
With a shrug of your shoulders you had made your decision; “Yeah, sure. Why not? But first, who exactly are you?”
“You, Cinderella, may call me Leader. And I’m your fairy godfather.”
You quirked an eyebrow. “I have a fairy godfather? Since when? If you’re my fairy godfather then where were you when Deidara snuck into my room at night, tied me to a chair, and-”
“Who do I look like? Chuck Norris?” Leader interrupted you. “Look, kid, I’m a very busy person; you aren’t my only client. In fact, the only reason I’m helping you out right now is because you have a hot stepmother.”
“…You do realize my stepmother has a penis, right?”
Leader ignored you once again. “Now, to prepare you for the ball, we’re going to need a few things… Bippity! Boppity! Boo!” Three generic-looking henchmen jumped in through your window at Leader’s call, sending shards of glass scattered across the floor.
Super. Just what you needed; more stuff for you to clean up.
“Alright boys, I need you three to get Cindy here a dress, some shoes, and a sweet ride. Got it?” The three men nodded their heads and left, returning five minutes later with the requested items in their hands.
“Wow,” you stated, looking at the henchmen, “That was fast.”
“Yup. Badabing badaboom.”
“Yeah. …Wait, what?”
“Never mind.”
Leader snapped his fingers and his goons promptly handed over the items they had gathered for you. You were a bit disappointed with their haul, to say the least. The dress they gave you was two sizes too big and you could’ve sworn you saw some blood stains on it, the shoes which you originally thought were made of glass were really made out of cheap plastic, and the car… Well, the car was a pretty sweet ride but you would’ve been able to appreciate it more if it wasn’t parked in the middle of your kitchen.
“Now all you’re missing is an escort to the dance…” Leader tapped his chin in thought before turning towards Tobi with an evil smirk. Using his almighty Godfather powers he removed the pair of mouse ears off of the boy’s head.
“Tobi’s a real boy now!” squeaked the masked boy.
You rolled your eyes.
“There. Now you have everything you need to go to the dance” Leader stated, nodding his head in satisfaction. He then turned to Tobi and threw the keys to the car to the boy. Too bad the boy had terrible depth perception, otherwise he may have been able to catch the keys rather than get hit in the head by them. “Now be a good boy and drive Cindy to the ball.”
The boy smiled behind his mask. “Tobi’s a good boy!”
You sweat-dropped. “Um, Fairy Godfather, maybe I should drive-”
“Nonsense,” Leader interrupted, “I’m sure Tobi would be honored to drive you. Besides, women can’t drive!”
“But-”
“Women driving…” Leader drawled out, chuckling lightly. “What next? Women being given the right to vote? Ha!”
You decided to just ignore your godfather’s sexist laughter as well as his ignorance of women’s suffrage and just got into the passenger seat of the car, praying that you would somehow miraculously survive riding in the car with a boy that thought that wearing a pair of felt mouse ears made him a mouse.
“Don’t worry, Cinderella” Tobi started as he put the keys into the ignition. “Tobi’s a very good driver. Tobi will have no trouble taking you to the ball” he said cheerily just before accidentally backing the car through the kitchen wall and into the middle of the living room. “…Tobi can fix that.”
Something told you this was going to be a very long night.
Thirty minutes later, you and Tobi just barely arrived at the castle alive. Along the way Tobi had hit two cows, a skunk, three chickens, five rabbits, two possums, and a single pedestrian. But worst of all, Tobi’s crazy driving caused you to smear your lipstick when you were applying it in the car. Now you looked like a cheap whore. …Well, a cheaper whore.
It was sort of hard to not look like a whore in the ensemble Leader had given you.
Ahem. Tobi carefully parked the car into the metal gates of the castle’s entrance, only creating a small engine fire in the process, which was the least amount of damage he had caused all day. You stepped out of the car while Tobi tried to put out the fire with his coat, but all that did was cause the fire to grow and cost Tobi a new jacket. The two of you stared oddly at the car for a moment then quickly turned around and headed back towards the castle so you wouldn’t be around when the car exploded.
You had little trouble entering the castle seeing as all fair maidens within the kingdom were invited/required to attend the ball.
Tobi, however, was another story entirely. Tobi, being a male, was seen as a threat to the prince’s chances of scoring a date because he challenged the prince’s sexiness. Therefore he was promptly escorted by two large men to the nearest dumpster.
You would’ve helped him, really you would’ve, but you were too busy, uh… tying your shoes. “Wait a minute, my shoes don’t have any shoelaces” you muttered allowed, pointing out the narrator’s mistake and lack of creativity to think up a better excuse as you stared down at your feet.
You decided to let it slide; after all, you had more important matters to attend to. If you wanted to get rid of your evil stepmother then you had to go woo that virgin prince loser and become his new trophy wife. Easy as pie!
Mmmmmm… Pie…
You quickly wiped the drool away from your chin as you walked towards the snack table, your lips curled up in a grin.
Meanwhile…
“I can’t do this” Kisame muttered as a manservant helped him to dress up in a cheesy blue tuxedo. It wasn’t very princely attire but no one could deny that the color looked pretty darn good on him.
“Now, now. This is for the good of the kingdom” King Zetsu rationalized. Kisame choked in response as the manservant tied Kisame’s bowtie a little too tight. Zetsu saw this as a sign to continue. “We’re not getting any younger, Kisame. Soon we’ll be too old to rule the Kingdom and will have to pass the crown down to you. Unfortunately, you’re a complete idiot and would never be able to run the kingdom without a woman to make all the decisions for you. So, we need you to get married before we can crown you as king. That and we want some grandchildren. They’re delicious.”
Kisame groaned loudly. “Mom! Try and talk some sense into Dad!”
“…” The blue-haired queen remained silent.
“No use talking to her” Zetsu whispered quietly into his son’s ear. “She’s been acting bitchy since we ate her parents last week.”
The blue-haired woman’s eye twitched but she showed no other sign of hearing what Zetsu had said.
“Now go out there and make your father proud! …Or, at least try to not embarrass us any more than you usually do.”
Zetsu left no room for Kisame to protest as he pushed him out of the room, forcing the sharky prince to face all the unmarried women in his kingdom. He gulped as he felt all eyes in the room on him.
“Well… This sucks…”
You took a moment to pause from stuffing your face with bonbons and cocktail shrimp to take a look at that prince guy. Your eye twitched and you couldn’t contain yourself from spitting up a mouthful of pre-chewed food onto the nearest innocent bystander. She gave you an offended look before running off and crying but you didn’t feel guilty because, honestly, her dress was ugly and the food stains were an improvement.
Still, your fairy godfather expected you to marry that thing?! You had seen more appealing-looking men in dark alleys giving blowjobs in exchange for crack.
You sighed, taking a deep breath. It didn’t matter if you didn’t find him attractive; you just needed to marry him so Leader would take your stepmother away and allow you to live. Besides, the prince’s appearance was nothing a paper bag couldn’t fix.
You made a move to approach Kisame but found yourself being violently pushed out of the way. You glared at the person that pushed you aside and froze; it was your stepmother, Itachi. Luckily he hadn’t recognized you because he was too distracted by other things. Well, to be more precise, other people.
“Prince Kisame!” he called, grabbing onto the blue boy’s tuxedo sleeve. “What do you say you and me go somewhere more private and-”
“What?!”
“I mean, I’d love for you to meet my two daughters, Prince Kisame.” Itachi gave Kisame a fake smile which looked more creepy than inviting on Itachi’s face, but Kisame went against his instincts and followed Itachi nonetheless.
Kisame grinned when he saw Itachi’s two daughters. The one with the red hair seemed to have a distant look in the eyes while creating some strange contraption using nothing but discarded popsicle sticks while the blonde had a forlorn look, chibi tears trailing down pale cheeks.
Sure, it wasn’t the greatest first impression, but the blonde chick was hot!
“So…” Kisame drawled, sidling up next to Deidara. “What’s a fine girl like you doing in a place like this?”
Deidara frowned, turning to the prince with furrowed brows. “The king ordered all the women in the kingdom to come; I had no choice, yeah” he answered in a voice that certainly didn’t sound like it came from a woman, but Kisame was none the wiser. “Besides, what’s wrong with a pretty girl like me being in the castle? Are you calling me ugly, yeah?!”
“…Look, do you want to have sex or not?”
Deidara blanched. “NOOOOOOOOOOO, yeah! I’m saving my virginity for my honeymoon in Guatemala with Cinderella!” he squealed, the mouths on his hands blowing raspberries at Kisame. “And then we’ll live on a farm with lots of llamas and cultivate cabbages for a living with our two-hundred and eighty-three children that will have her eyes and my smile, yeah!” At this, Deidara got a dreamy look in his eye, the mouths on his hands grinning with him.
Kisame blinked. “That’s a lot of babies for one woman to push out…”
“STOP UNDRESSING ME WITH YOUR EYES, YEAH!”
Deidara proceeded to slap Kisame around a bit before grabbing a hold of the blue man’s arm and throwing him across the room, causing him to land in the punch bowl on the refreshment table. He landed quite ungracefully, but unharmed with the exception of his pride. Normally the king’s guards would’ve seized anyone who dared to even touch the prince without permission, but they stopped themselves when they realized how pretty the blonde, the red-head, and the ebony-haired men/women were; they were beautiful people so they could get away with it.
So, instead of helping to fish prince Kisame out of the punch bowl like they should’ve, the king’s guards shamelessly flirted with the three pretty ladies/gentlemen.
~Go to part two...~