Post by Rockinmuffin on Jul 7, 2007 21:00:41 GMT -5
“Smooth, Prince Charming. Real smooth” you said smugly as you used a ladle to put some of the shark-contaminated punch into a disposable plastic cup. You’d think that the ruler of the kingdom could spare a couple extra bucks to buy nicer cups, but you shrugged the thought away in favor of tormenting Kisame some more. “You’re a real hit with the ladies… ergh, men… Whatever.”
Kisame frowned. This was one of the reasons he didn’t want to have this dumb ball in the first place; snide, mouthy girls like you. That and he had developed a fear of crowds ever since he was pantsed in front of everyone during his high school graduation, but that was another story entirely.
You held out your pinky as you took delicate sips of your punch until your cup was empty, ending with a satisfied belch. Real lady-like.
Kisame frowned down at you as he pulled himself out of the punch bowl. “You’re a mean person” he stated as he grabbed a hold of the bottom of his blue tuxedo jacket, wringing as much liquid as he could back into the punch bowl. And Kisame could care less if the punch ended up full of pocket lint and tasting faintly of rotten sushi.
“Why yes. Yes I am” you proudly stated as you chucked your empty cup at Kisame’s head, hitting him in the gills. Luckily for you, the guards were still too distracted by Deidara, Sasori, and Itachi’s combined beauty to deal with the likes of you. “Thanks for noticing” you finished with an over-exaggerated curtsey before kicking him in the kneecap.
As Kisame held his knee in pain, a whirlwind of obscenities spouting out of his mouth, he realized that the burning-hot feeling inside of him was not just anger or loathing; it was also love. Because, deep down, Kisame was really just a masochist at heart and wanted nothing more than to be wed to an angry woman that would do nothing but abuse him mentally and physically.
Besides, you were kind of cute when you acted like a violent bitch.
And, because Kisame had come to this conclusion, he wanted to show his undying love for you in the best, most romantic way possible; by breaking out into song.
You covered you ears in horror, trying to block out the sound of Kisame singing an out-of-tune and hardly-recognizable rendition of Britney Spears’ Oops I Did it Again, complete with an expensive light show and backup dancers. Your hands did very little to block out the noise so you were forced to resort to more desperate measures.
Balancing yourself on one foot, you quickly pulled off one of your plastic shoes and chucked it as hard as you could at Kisame. It hit him in his jaw, causing him to fall to the floor and ruin his musical number due to the force behind the blow.
You decided that this would be the perfect time to escape and did just that (though not before grabbing a handful of cocktail shrimp off the refreshment table). Pumping your arms and legs with all your strength, you ran out of the castle like a bat out of hell, not even bothering to pick up your shoe. It’s not like the piece of junk was worth much anyway.
Once you were outside, your eyes scanned the area for anything that you could use to get home fast. You found nothing.
You let out a groan at the thought of running all the way home with only one shoe. Another groan soon sounded but you jumped in surprise when you realized the noise hadn’t come from you. No, it sounded as if the groan had come from inside the dumpster…
“Tobi’s in pain” the poor boy muttered as he clumsily climbed out of the dumpster, falling face-first on the ground and into a pile of broken glass. Luckily for him, his mask protected his face. Good thing that Tobi was a good boy/mouse that took the steps necessary to prevent serious injury.
You hopped over to the boy and picked him up by the collar of his shirt. With a sigh, you pulled out the shards of broken glass lodged in the front of his mask (as well as a greasy brown banana peel off of the top of his head) and told, no, demanded him to give you a piggy-back ride home since he was the one that blew up the car’s engine.
He happily obliged.
“HEY! Watch where you put your hands, you little perv!”
“Tobi would never do something like that! Tobi’s a good boy!”
“…Tobi, if you don’t move your hand away from that place right now then I’ll be forced to cut your hand off and shove it where the sun don’t shine.”
Tobi stopped in his tracks and tilted his head to the side. “Why would you put Tobi’s hand in Itachi’s room?”
Had you not been on Tobi’s back you would’ve face-planted. “Just get your hands off of me!”
And so he did. Unfortunately, the action caused you to fall onto the concrete, your head colliding with the cold, hard ground. Tobi sweat-dropped as your body twitched until it fell into a deep state of unconsciousness, but shrugged his shoulders and slung your comatose body onto his back to carry you home. The good boy happily skipped down the street, not minding as you drooled on his back and moaned the name of some sex-me-up-a-licious celebrity that you happened to be a fan of.
Meanwhile, thinks weren’t going so well for Kisame back at the palace.
“She’s gone” Kisame drawled to himself before taking another swig of sake. “She’s gone, the love of my life, and all I have to remember her by is a shoe and a couple of bruises.” At this, Kisame fondly rubbed the dark bruise forming on his gills as he downed the rest of his drink.
“Yup” the king agreed as he took a sip out of a bottle of Miracle-Gro. “Unfortunately, rejection is a part of love. The woman you love may not always return your feelings. So get over it, wuss.” Zetsu nodded his head, agreeing with his dark side. “It’s best to just move on with your life. We mean, it’s not as if you could go around the entire kingdom and have every maiden try on the plastic shoe until you discover the girl you just hours ago…”
Kisame’s head perked up at this. “…That’s a great idea!”
“So you’re going to move on with your life and find another girl that won’t publicly humiliate you?”
“Pffft! Of course not! I meant the other idea; the one about the shoe. All I need to do is visit every house in the kingdom, have all the maidens try on the plastic shoe, and the one whose foot fits will be my dream girl!”
Zetsu twitched. “…You’ve got to be kidding us.”
Kisame ignored his father, his mind already planning ways to find you and trick you into becoming his bride.
“Kisame,” Zetsu continued, “You do realize how irrational the plan is, right? First of all, the woman you met last night probably isn’t the only one in the kingdom with that shoe size. Even an idiot like you would have to be aware of that.”
However, Kisame wasn’t about to let Zetsu’s bad attitude or logic ruin his good mood. Instead, he continued to plot ways to capture you(r heart). “After I get her to try the shoe on, I’ll bash her in the back of her skull with a blunt object and take her away. By the time she recovers from the concussion we’ll already be on our honeymoon…”
Zetsu, not wanting to be a part of Kisame’s barely-legal ploy (and it was only somewhat legal because Kisame was royalty and thus given special privileges like taking a bride against her will), shook his head and walked away.
When you awoke the next morning you had a splitting headache. It could’ve been that the events that transpired the night before had worn you out. Maybe you just had a little too much to drink. Or perhaps it was because you were still suffering from a mild concussion you received the previous night.
Still, you would bet all your money that it had something to do with the baseball bat in Leader’s hand.
“Cindy…” he drawled, waving the baseball bat in your face threateningly. “You didn’t get the prince like you promised you would. You know what this means, don’t you?”
Your eyes widened to large proportions as you realized your godfather’s intentions. “Please don’t bash my skull in!” you begged as you crawled backwards, distancing yourself from Leader. “It’s not my fault, honest! He started singing and dancing to bad pop music; I couldn’t take it!”
Leader continued his advance on you.
“You can still take Itachi if you want!”
Leader stopped in his tracks. “Heh. You’re a good kid, Cindy. I don’t think I’ll bash your skull in after all” he said with a smile as he lowered his weapon.
Your eyes shined brilliantly with hope. “Really?”
“Yes, really” he responded, his smile widening. “I’ll just have to break your kneecaps instead.”
“That’s good! …Wait, what?!”
“Don’t take it personal, Cindy” he told you, raising the baseball bat over his head. “It’s just that it would look bad if I let you get away unpunished; it would ruin my reputation. You understand, don’t you?”
You blanched.
Leader was slowly making his way closer to you. Unfortunately, you were already backed up against the wall and could go no further. You cursed silently to yourself. If only you had some of Deidara’s exploding clay. Then you could just blow a hole in the wall and run away.
You jumped as you heard the familiar ring of the doorbell followed by your evil stepmother calling your name and telling you to get it since he was too beautiful to get off his ass and answer the door himself. Saved by the bell, literally.
“As much as I’d love to continue this conversation, my fairy godfather, I have to go answer the door! I mustn’t keep any guests waiting! See ya!” And with that, you zipped away as fast as humanly possible to go answer the door.
Leader stared at the spot where you had been standing only moments before and sighed before settling himself on your bed. “She’ll be back” he murmured to himself as he put his hands behind his head. “They always come back…”
You were panting heavily once you finally reached the front door. Not only had you run as fast as you could to escape Leader’s clutches, but you also had to dodge several of Deidara’s attempts at capturing you as you ran down the halls. You were hoping that the blonde would go easier on you today since you were so stressed out and not in the mood to deal with your stepsister’s antics but that had just been wishful thinking on your part.
With a sigh, you removed Deidara’s giant butterfly net of love before answering the door.
…Only to slam it back shut seconds later.
“Who was that?” Sasori asked casually as he licked his finger and turned a page in a familiar-looking orange book.
“No one important” you answered quickly.
“Hello!? I think you accidentally shut the door on me!” Prince Kisame called, giving the doorbell another ring.
“…No one, huh?”
You put your arm behind your head and laughed nervously. “Ah hahahahahaha… Oops?”
“Hello!?” Kisame called again, giving the door a few solid knocks. “Please, let me in! …It’s lonely out here…”
Sasori gave you a deadpan look. “Answer the door, Cinderella.”
You gave your stepsister an over exaggerated pout. “B-but Sasori,” you whined in a loud, nasally voice, “I don’t wanna. Prince Kisame is scary, and blue, and mean, and blue, and weird, and blue, and occasionally breaks out into song and dance, oh, and did I mention that he’s blue?!”
Sasori blinked curiously. “What’s wrong with blue?”
“…That’s beside the point! I will not let that man inside our house and there’s nothing that you could say or do to make me change my mind!”
“Nothing?” Sasori questioned with a raised brow.
“Nothing” you reiterated, crossing your arms in front of your chest.
“Really?” Sasori questioned with an amused tone of voice. “So, even if I told you that I would gag and bound you then drop you off in Deidara’s room with a copy of one of my Icha Icha books to give him some …ideas… you still wouldn’t answer the door?”
“…I’ll go get the door” you answered with a defeated sigh.
“That’s what I thought” Sasori muttered victoriously as he got back to reading his precious porn books. …Not that he was a pervert or anything; he just had a really odd sense of humor and found porn to be funny. Yup, because Sasori definitely wasn’t perverted. …And the tint of pink in his cheeks was from resisting the urge to laugh at his choice of reading material, not because he was enjoying his book a little too much. Right…
You opened the door wide and frowned at the sight of the large blue man with the odd, sharp-toothed grin and the single plastic shoe in his hand.
…Wait, why was he carrying a cheap, plastic shoe?
Your eyes widened to the size of dinner plates. That was the shoe you used to throw at Kisame’s face. It probably had your finger prints (not to mention toe prints) on it and now he was going to use it to sue you for assault and possibly sexual harassment. Then he’d take you to court and you’d lose the case because, hey, he’s the freaking prince and you were guilty anyway and then you’d end up in jail and be forced to stay in a dirty old cell with a transvestite named Bertha.
“NOOOOOOO! I don’t wanna go to jail!” you shrieked as you got down on your hands and knees, waterfall tears running down your cheeks. “I’m too fragile for the big house! I’d get passed around like currency!”
As usual, you were ignored.
Kisame stepped inside your house, not even bothering to wait for an invitation, and cleared his throat before shouting “All fair maidens of the household please report to me immediately!”
Seconds later you could distinctly hear the sound of your stepmother’s ridiculously expensive name-brand designer high-heel shoes clicking on the tile floor. Once he was in view, Itachi instantly glared at you but stopped once he noticed the prince was in his house and put on a pleasant (fake) smile instead.
Deidara, being the drama queen that he is, blew up the wall that separated him from the main entrance and stepped through the man-sized hole to gather with everyone else. When he saw you he grinned and tried to glomp you but was instantly restrained by Itachi. At least your wicked stepmother was good for something.
And Sasori was already with you, so he just stayed where he was and continued to read his porn.
You sighed to yourself. Great, not only were you going to end up in jail but you were also going to be humiliated in front of your family first. Could your day possibly get any worse?
Kisame cleared his throat again before he spoke. “I am here,” he paused dramatically before continuing, “to marry the girl that wore this shoe at my ball last night!” Looks like you had spoken too soon. You gasped loudly for the dramatic effect but were ignored like always. “Unfortunately, she never gave me her name and I can’t exactly remember what she looked like because of the concussion she gave me, but I know that she was wearing this shoe! The woman whose foot fits within the shoe is my future queen.”
You raised your hand sheepishly. “Um, your highness, if you don’t know who the girl is that you’re looking for, why didn’t you just call for all the maidens of kingdom to report to your castle instead of conveniently showing up here? And did it ever occur to you that there’s more than one woman in the kingdom with that particular shoe size?”
Kisame looked at you curiously and blinked. For a moment you thought that he would actually take your words into consideration. But, of course, everything had been going downhill since you started the story and that wasn’t going to change anytime soon. Instead, he turned back to your stepmother and stepsisters and asked “So which one of you lovely ladies will be the first to try on the shoe?”
You would’ve fallen face-first on the floor had you not already been sitting on it.
Itachi’s crimson gaze drifted down to the shoe and he let out an indignant snort. “I’ll save you some time and let you know right now that the shoe isn’t mine. I’d never be caught dead wearing something so cheap and tacky.” Everyone directed their attention down to Itachi’s ridiculously expensive name-brand designer high-heel shoes and nodded their heads in agreement.
You frowned to yourself. It wasn’t your fault that your fairy godfather was as cheap as he was shady.
“Sasori,” Itachi called, “Come over here and try on the ugly plastic shoe for the prince.”
Sasori, being too engrossed in his book to make too much of any sort of physical effort, simply detached one of his feet and threw it over his shoulder so that it landed only inches away from your face.
“…”
Everyone in the room started blankly at the wooden appendage.
“…Your other foot, Sasori” Itachi stated in a calm voice; more calm than anyone else could after seeing something like that.
Sasori shrugged his shoulders and threw his other foot over towards you, this time actually hitting you in the side of your head. Luckily it didn’t do too much damage; if you can survive an encounter with a cinderblock than a wooden foot was no big deal.
Kisame slid the wooden foot inside the shoe and let out a sigh (whether it was of dismay or relief, you weren’t quite sure) when he saw that it wasn’t a match.
Deidara was next and he slipped his foot into the plastic shoe without any complaints, though he did manage to eye Kisame suspiciously, thinking this was all some sort of plot to separate him from his precious stepsister Cinderella. However, his foot was at least two sizes too small.
“Wow! Whoever wore these shoes must’ve been some sort of sasquatch, yeah!”
You barely resisted the urge to bash the blonde’s skull in.
And you didn’t have sasquatch feet. They were just… big-boned.
You coughed quietly to yourself, hoping that it would go unnoticed like usual so that you could slowly crawl away and hide until Kisame would leave your home and Leader would grow bored of waiting for you to come so he could smash in your kneecaps. However, the one time that you don’t want to be ignored, Kisame caught sight of you.
“Hey, you with the sasquatch feet!” Kisame called out, causing you to freeze suddenly. You calmly counted to ten inside your mind before turning to face him. It wouldn’t do you any good to have a dead prince in your home. You were running out of places to hide the bodies.
“Yes, your highness?” you questioned calmly, an obviously fake grin spreading over your face.
Kisame paid it little mind. “Your feet look large enough to fit in the shoe. Come here and try it on.” You narrowed your eyes, twitching lightly as you stood where you were. “And while you’re at it, bring me a sandwich.”
Your twitching increased twofold. “I’ve got your sandwich right here” you muttered darkly to yourself so he couldn’t hear you as you clenched your fist tightly, wanting nothing more than to serve the blue prince a knuckle sandwich. You barely restrained yourself from pummeling him with your fist and reluctantly went to the kitchen and quickly made him a peanut butter (and dead-fly-you-just-squished-on-the-counter) sandwich.
You trudged out of the kitchen with the sandwich in hand and chucked it at Kisame’s face. Expecting some sort of violent action from you, Kisame grabbed hold of Deidara and used the blonde’s body as a human shield. You ignored the glare Kisame shot at you as you stepped closer to him and took hold of the shoe. With a sigh, you slipped your foot into the cheap, plastic slipper.
“Wow, it actually fits, yeah!” Deidara exclaimed as he stared wide-eyed as streamers, confetti, and a single balloon fell by your foot in celebration. He kneeled down by your feet, inspecting them closely. “You must have really big feet, yeah!”
This time you didn’t bother to hold yourself back as you kicked Deidara square in the jaw.
You had contemplated beating Deidara up some more but stopped when you noticed the eerie silence surrounding you. You looked around you and shivered when you noticed everyone’s eyes were upon you. “Scary!” you squealed with a trembling lip, hiding behind Deidara and using his body as a human shield.
…You really weren’t used to so much attention, obviously.
“Cinderella,” Itachi started, his voice eerily calm, “Please tell me why this shoe fits you if you stayed home to do chores like I told you to…” You just gave him a nervous laugh in response before cowering behind Deidara some more. “You didn’t actually go to the ball, did you?”
“It’s not my fault!” you cried. “The evil shadowy magical godfather made me do it!”
Itachi frowned. “Do you really expect me to fall for that again? You used that same excuse when you clogged the toilet with Sasori’s left arm.”
“…That was Deidara” you said with a deadpan stare.
“…And why would you ban my future bride from going to my ball when all fair maiden’s were ordered to come?” Kisame questioned, his beady little shark eyes getting a dark look as he stared Itachi down. Why, if you hadn’t deliberately disobeyed your stepmother’s orders then he would’ve never met you and probably would’ve ended up meeting some nice mild-mannered girl who lived on an eggplant farm and didn’t care about his appearance and would have had thirteen sharky babies with her instead of him fulfilling his dreams by marrying a bitch that acted just like his mother on a bad day.
Itachi blinked, not at all bothered by Kisame’s glares. “Well, you invited all fair maidens and, sad to say, little Cindy here hasn’t been a maiden for years, if you catch my drift.” Kisame blinked, you twitched. Itachi took this as a sign to continue. “Yes, she may not look like the type, but Cinderella is probably one of the loosest girls I know. She’s always chasing after all the boys with her legs high in the air. The poor girl can’t seem to control her raging hormones.” He whispered this part slowly; “I’ve even seen her chase after my poor daughter Deidara on a few occasions.”
“It’s true, yeah!” Deidara piped in, doing whatever he could to prevent you from being taken away from him and to some smelly old prince. “I can’t really blame her though; I am undeniably irresistible, yeah.”
You rolled your eyes at the blatant lies spewing from Itachi’s and Deidara’s mouths. You had only chased Deidara once in your life and it was out of rage, not love. The jerk had been taking pictures of you while you were sleeping and posting them on the internet. Again.
Kisame frowned at the news of his promiscuous bride-to-be but held his head high in determination. “This may be so, but she’s still the love of my life and I would gladly serenade her with another love song, given the chance. Come to me, Cinderella” Kisame called, his hands outstretched to you. “Come to the dark side; we have bacon.”
While you did love bacon, you didn’t like it enough to exchange your freedom for it. You looked around frantically, surveying your surroundings for any chance of escape and found none. Well, if you ran with Deidara then he’d probably gladly defend you from the prince and take you away, but then you’d be stuck with Deidara instead and at least Kisame had a castle that was full of expensive things for you to steal and pawn off at the local market.
You sighed, resigning yourself to the fact that you would end up marrying Kisame whether you liked it or not, when, out of nowhere, an orange and black blur grabbed hold of you, swung you over its shoulder, and ran straight out of your house. You blinked before staring up at your savior’s face to see none other than an orange swirly mask.
“Tobi, I never thought I would say this, but am I glad to see you!”
The boy smiled stupidly behind his mask. “Tobi’s a good boy!”
You held onto Tobi tightly, urging him to speed up as he ran off carrying you towards the sunset.
Everyone blinked curiously, wondering what in the world had just happened as they stared at the Tobi-shaped hole in the wall.
Kisame sighed as he watched the love of his life being carried away by another man before quickly recovering and turning towards Deidara. “So, blondie-cakes, ever wanted to live in a castle?”
In the end, Kisame and Deidara found a kinship with each other since they had both fallen in love with and lost the same woman and ended up married. Itachi got to live in a castle for two days before he was kidnapped by Leader and never heard of again. Sasori modified himself into a birdhouse and spend the rest of his life outside of the castle reading his porn and getting pecked in the head by birds. Zetsu got to be the proud grandfather of twelve m-preg babies (though it would’ve been thirteen had he not eaten one of them). And you sold Tobi to a circus and used the money you got to buy yourself a nice cottage by the sea where you could live the rest of your days as a hermit since you decided at an early age that you hated people.
And they all lived happily ever after.
Kisame frowned. This was one of the reasons he didn’t want to have this dumb ball in the first place; snide, mouthy girls like you. That and he had developed a fear of crowds ever since he was pantsed in front of everyone during his high school graduation, but that was another story entirely.
You held out your pinky as you took delicate sips of your punch until your cup was empty, ending with a satisfied belch. Real lady-like.
Kisame frowned down at you as he pulled himself out of the punch bowl. “You’re a mean person” he stated as he grabbed a hold of the bottom of his blue tuxedo jacket, wringing as much liquid as he could back into the punch bowl. And Kisame could care less if the punch ended up full of pocket lint and tasting faintly of rotten sushi.
“Why yes. Yes I am” you proudly stated as you chucked your empty cup at Kisame’s head, hitting him in the gills. Luckily for you, the guards were still too distracted by Deidara, Sasori, and Itachi’s combined beauty to deal with the likes of you. “Thanks for noticing” you finished with an over-exaggerated curtsey before kicking him in the kneecap.
As Kisame held his knee in pain, a whirlwind of obscenities spouting out of his mouth, he realized that the burning-hot feeling inside of him was not just anger or loathing; it was also love. Because, deep down, Kisame was really just a masochist at heart and wanted nothing more than to be wed to an angry woman that would do nothing but abuse him mentally and physically.
Besides, you were kind of cute when you acted like a violent bitch.
And, because Kisame had come to this conclusion, he wanted to show his undying love for you in the best, most romantic way possible; by breaking out into song.
You covered you ears in horror, trying to block out the sound of Kisame singing an out-of-tune and hardly-recognizable rendition of Britney Spears’ Oops I Did it Again, complete with an expensive light show and backup dancers. Your hands did very little to block out the noise so you were forced to resort to more desperate measures.
Balancing yourself on one foot, you quickly pulled off one of your plastic shoes and chucked it as hard as you could at Kisame. It hit him in his jaw, causing him to fall to the floor and ruin his musical number due to the force behind the blow.
You decided that this would be the perfect time to escape and did just that (though not before grabbing a handful of cocktail shrimp off the refreshment table). Pumping your arms and legs with all your strength, you ran out of the castle like a bat out of hell, not even bothering to pick up your shoe. It’s not like the piece of junk was worth much anyway.
Once you were outside, your eyes scanned the area for anything that you could use to get home fast. You found nothing.
You let out a groan at the thought of running all the way home with only one shoe. Another groan soon sounded but you jumped in surprise when you realized the noise hadn’t come from you. No, it sounded as if the groan had come from inside the dumpster…
“Tobi’s in pain” the poor boy muttered as he clumsily climbed out of the dumpster, falling face-first on the ground and into a pile of broken glass. Luckily for him, his mask protected his face. Good thing that Tobi was a good boy/mouse that took the steps necessary to prevent serious injury.
You hopped over to the boy and picked him up by the collar of his shirt. With a sigh, you pulled out the shards of broken glass lodged in the front of his mask (as well as a greasy brown banana peel off of the top of his head) and told, no, demanded him to give you a piggy-back ride home since he was the one that blew up the car’s engine.
He happily obliged.
“HEY! Watch where you put your hands, you little perv!”
“Tobi would never do something like that! Tobi’s a good boy!”
“…Tobi, if you don’t move your hand away from that place right now then I’ll be forced to cut your hand off and shove it where the sun don’t shine.”
Tobi stopped in his tracks and tilted his head to the side. “Why would you put Tobi’s hand in Itachi’s room?”
Had you not been on Tobi’s back you would’ve face-planted. “Just get your hands off of me!”
And so he did. Unfortunately, the action caused you to fall onto the concrete, your head colliding with the cold, hard ground. Tobi sweat-dropped as your body twitched until it fell into a deep state of unconsciousness, but shrugged his shoulders and slung your comatose body onto his back to carry you home. The good boy happily skipped down the street, not minding as you drooled on his back and moaned the name of some sex-me-up-a-licious celebrity that you happened to be a fan of.
Meanwhile, thinks weren’t going so well for Kisame back at the palace.
“She’s gone” Kisame drawled to himself before taking another swig of sake. “She’s gone, the love of my life, and all I have to remember her by is a shoe and a couple of bruises.” At this, Kisame fondly rubbed the dark bruise forming on his gills as he downed the rest of his drink.
“Yup” the king agreed as he took a sip out of a bottle of Miracle-Gro. “Unfortunately, rejection is a part of love. The woman you love may not always return your feelings. So get over it, wuss.” Zetsu nodded his head, agreeing with his dark side. “It’s best to just move on with your life. We mean, it’s not as if you could go around the entire kingdom and have every maiden try on the plastic shoe until you discover the girl you just hours ago…”
Kisame’s head perked up at this. “…That’s a great idea!”
“So you’re going to move on with your life and find another girl that won’t publicly humiliate you?”
“Pffft! Of course not! I meant the other idea; the one about the shoe. All I need to do is visit every house in the kingdom, have all the maidens try on the plastic shoe, and the one whose foot fits will be my dream girl!”
Zetsu twitched. “…You’ve got to be kidding us.”
Kisame ignored his father, his mind already planning ways to find you and trick you into becoming his bride.
“Kisame,” Zetsu continued, “You do realize how irrational the plan is, right? First of all, the woman you met last night probably isn’t the only one in the kingdom with that shoe size. Even an idiot like you would have to be aware of that.”
However, Kisame wasn’t about to let Zetsu’s bad attitude or logic ruin his good mood. Instead, he continued to plot ways to capture you(r heart). “After I get her to try the shoe on, I’ll bash her in the back of her skull with a blunt object and take her away. By the time she recovers from the concussion we’ll already be on our honeymoon…”
Zetsu, not wanting to be a part of Kisame’s barely-legal ploy (and it was only somewhat legal because Kisame was royalty and thus given special privileges like taking a bride against her will), shook his head and walked away.
When you awoke the next morning you had a splitting headache. It could’ve been that the events that transpired the night before had worn you out. Maybe you just had a little too much to drink. Or perhaps it was because you were still suffering from a mild concussion you received the previous night.
Still, you would bet all your money that it had something to do with the baseball bat in Leader’s hand.
“Cindy…” he drawled, waving the baseball bat in your face threateningly. “You didn’t get the prince like you promised you would. You know what this means, don’t you?”
Your eyes widened to large proportions as you realized your godfather’s intentions. “Please don’t bash my skull in!” you begged as you crawled backwards, distancing yourself from Leader. “It’s not my fault, honest! He started singing and dancing to bad pop music; I couldn’t take it!”
Leader continued his advance on you.
“You can still take Itachi if you want!”
Leader stopped in his tracks. “Heh. You’re a good kid, Cindy. I don’t think I’ll bash your skull in after all” he said with a smile as he lowered his weapon.
Your eyes shined brilliantly with hope. “Really?”
“Yes, really” he responded, his smile widening. “I’ll just have to break your kneecaps instead.”
“That’s good! …Wait, what?!”
“Don’t take it personal, Cindy” he told you, raising the baseball bat over his head. “It’s just that it would look bad if I let you get away unpunished; it would ruin my reputation. You understand, don’t you?”
You blanched.
Leader was slowly making his way closer to you. Unfortunately, you were already backed up against the wall and could go no further. You cursed silently to yourself. If only you had some of Deidara’s exploding clay. Then you could just blow a hole in the wall and run away.
You jumped as you heard the familiar ring of the doorbell followed by your evil stepmother calling your name and telling you to get it since he was too beautiful to get off his ass and answer the door himself. Saved by the bell, literally.
“As much as I’d love to continue this conversation, my fairy godfather, I have to go answer the door! I mustn’t keep any guests waiting! See ya!” And with that, you zipped away as fast as humanly possible to go answer the door.
Leader stared at the spot where you had been standing only moments before and sighed before settling himself on your bed. “She’ll be back” he murmured to himself as he put his hands behind his head. “They always come back…”
You were panting heavily once you finally reached the front door. Not only had you run as fast as you could to escape Leader’s clutches, but you also had to dodge several of Deidara’s attempts at capturing you as you ran down the halls. You were hoping that the blonde would go easier on you today since you were so stressed out and not in the mood to deal with your stepsister’s antics but that had just been wishful thinking on your part.
With a sigh, you removed Deidara’s giant butterfly net of love before answering the door.
…Only to slam it back shut seconds later.
“Who was that?” Sasori asked casually as he licked his finger and turned a page in a familiar-looking orange book.
“No one important” you answered quickly.
“Hello!? I think you accidentally shut the door on me!” Prince Kisame called, giving the doorbell another ring.
“…No one, huh?”
You put your arm behind your head and laughed nervously. “Ah hahahahahaha… Oops?”
“Hello!?” Kisame called again, giving the door a few solid knocks. “Please, let me in! …It’s lonely out here…”
Sasori gave you a deadpan look. “Answer the door, Cinderella.”
You gave your stepsister an over exaggerated pout. “B-but Sasori,” you whined in a loud, nasally voice, “I don’t wanna. Prince Kisame is scary, and blue, and mean, and blue, and weird, and blue, and occasionally breaks out into song and dance, oh, and did I mention that he’s blue?!”
Sasori blinked curiously. “What’s wrong with blue?”
“…That’s beside the point! I will not let that man inside our house and there’s nothing that you could say or do to make me change my mind!”
“Nothing?” Sasori questioned with a raised brow.
“Nothing” you reiterated, crossing your arms in front of your chest.
“Really?” Sasori questioned with an amused tone of voice. “So, even if I told you that I would gag and bound you then drop you off in Deidara’s room with a copy of one of my Icha Icha books to give him some …ideas… you still wouldn’t answer the door?”
“…I’ll go get the door” you answered with a defeated sigh.
“That’s what I thought” Sasori muttered victoriously as he got back to reading his precious porn books. …Not that he was a pervert or anything; he just had a really odd sense of humor and found porn to be funny. Yup, because Sasori definitely wasn’t perverted. …And the tint of pink in his cheeks was from resisting the urge to laugh at his choice of reading material, not because he was enjoying his book a little too much. Right…
You opened the door wide and frowned at the sight of the large blue man with the odd, sharp-toothed grin and the single plastic shoe in his hand.
…Wait, why was he carrying a cheap, plastic shoe?
Your eyes widened to the size of dinner plates. That was the shoe you used to throw at Kisame’s face. It probably had your finger prints (not to mention toe prints) on it and now he was going to use it to sue you for assault and possibly sexual harassment. Then he’d take you to court and you’d lose the case because, hey, he’s the freaking prince and you were guilty anyway and then you’d end up in jail and be forced to stay in a dirty old cell with a transvestite named Bertha.
“NOOOOOOO! I don’t wanna go to jail!” you shrieked as you got down on your hands and knees, waterfall tears running down your cheeks. “I’m too fragile for the big house! I’d get passed around like currency!”
As usual, you were ignored.
Kisame stepped inside your house, not even bothering to wait for an invitation, and cleared his throat before shouting “All fair maidens of the household please report to me immediately!”
Seconds later you could distinctly hear the sound of your stepmother’s ridiculously expensive name-brand designer high-heel shoes clicking on the tile floor. Once he was in view, Itachi instantly glared at you but stopped once he noticed the prince was in his house and put on a pleasant (fake) smile instead.
Deidara, being the drama queen that he is, blew up the wall that separated him from the main entrance and stepped through the man-sized hole to gather with everyone else. When he saw you he grinned and tried to glomp you but was instantly restrained by Itachi. At least your wicked stepmother was good for something.
And Sasori was already with you, so he just stayed where he was and continued to read his porn.
You sighed to yourself. Great, not only were you going to end up in jail but you were also going to be humiliated in front of your family first. Could your day possibly get any worse?
Kisame cleared his throat again before he spoke. “I am here,” he paused dramatically before continuing, “to marry the girl that wore this shoe at my ball last night!” Looks like you had spoken too soon. You gasped loudly for the dramatic effect but were ignored like always. “Unfortunately, she never gave me her name and I can’t exactly remember what she looked like because of the concussion she gave me, but I know that she was wearing this shoe! The woman whose foot fits within the shoe is my future queen.”
You raised your hand sheepishly. “Um, your highness, if you don’t know who the girl is that you’re looking for, why didn’t you just call for all the maidens of kingdom to report to your castle instead of conveniently showing up here? And did it ever occur to you that there’s more than one woman in the kingdom with that particular shoe size?”
Kisame looked at you curiously and blinked. For a moment you thought that he would actually take your words into consideration. But, of course, everything had been going downhill since you started the story and that wasn’t going to change anytime soon. Instead, he turned back to your stepmother and stepsisters and asked “So which one of you lovely ladies will be the first to try on the shoe?”
You would’ve fallen face-first on the floor had you not already been sitting on it.
Itachi’s crimson gaze drifted down to the shoe and he let out an indignant snort. “I’ll save you some time and let you know right now that the shoe isn’t mine. I’d never be caught dead wearing something so cheap and tacky.” Everyone directed their attention down to Itachi’s ridiculously expensive name-brand designer high-heel shoes and nodded their heads in agreement.
You frowned to yourself. It wasn’t your fault that your fairy godfather was as cheap as he was shady.
“Sasori,” Itachi called, “Come over here and try on the ugly plastic shoe for the prince.”
Sasori, being too engrossed in his book to make too much of any sort of physical effort, simply detached one of his feet and threw it over his shoulder so that it landed only inches away from your face.
“…”
Everyone in the room started blankly at the wooden appendage.
“…Your other foot, Sasori” Itachi stated in a calm voice; more calm than anyone else could after seeing something like that.
Sasori shrugged his shoulders and threw his other foot over towards you, this time actually hitting you in the side of your head. Luckily it didn’t do too much damage; if you can survive an encounter with a cinderblock than a wooden foot was no big deal.
Kisame slid the wooden foot inside the shoe and let out a sigh (whether it was of dismay or relief, you weren’t quite sure) when he saw that it wasn’t a match.
Deidara was next and he slipped his foot into the plastic shoe without any complaints, though he did manage to eye Kisame suspiciously, thinking this was all some sort of plot to separate him from his precious stepsister Cinderella. However, his foot was at least two sizes too small.
“Wow! Whoever wore these shoes must’ve been some sort of sasquatch, yeah!”
You barely resisted the urge to bash the blonde’s skull in.
And you didn’t have sasquatch feet. They were just… big-boned.
You coughed quietly to yourself, hoping that it would go unnoticed like usual so that you could slowly crawl away and hide until Kisame would leave your home and Leader would grow bored of waiting for you to come so he could smash in your kneecaps. However, the one time that you don’t want to be ignored, Kisame caught sight of you.
“Hey, you with the sasquatch feet!” Kisame called out, causing you to freeze suddenly. You calmly counted to ten inside your mind before turning to face him. It wouldn’t do you any good to have a dead prince in your home. You were running out of places to hide the bodies.
“Yes, your highness?” you questioned calmly, an obviously fake grin spreading over your face.
Kisame paid it little mind. “Your feet look large enough to fit in the shoe. Come here and try it on.” You narrowed your eyes, twitching lightly as you stood where you were. “And while you’re at it, bring me a sandwich.”
Your twitching increased twofold. “I’ve got your sandwich right here” you muttered darkly to yourself so he couldn’t hear you as you clenched your fist tightly, wanting nothing more than to serve the blue prince a knuckle sandwich. You barely restrained yourself from pummeling him with your fist and reluctantly went to the kitchen and quickly made him a peanut butter (and dead-fly-you-just-squished-on-the-counter) sandwich.
You trudged out of the kitchen with the sandwich in hand and chucked it at Kisame’s face. Expecting some sort of violent action from you, Kisame grabbed hold of Deidara and used the blonde’s body as a human shield. You ignored the glare Kisame shot at you as you stepped closer to him and took hold of the shoe. With a sigh, you slipped your foot into the cheap, plastic slipper.
“Wow, it actually fits, yeah!” Deidara exclaimed as he stared wide-eyed as streamers, confetti, and a single balloon fell by your foot in celebration. He kneeled down by your feet, inspecting them closely. “You must have really big feet, yeah!”
This time you didn’t bother to hold yourself back as you kicked Deidara square in the jaw.
You had contemplated beating Deidara up some more but stopped when you noticed the eerie silence surrounding you. You looked around you and shivered when you noticed everyone’s eyes were upon you. “Scary!” you squealed with a trembling lip, hiding behind Deidara and using his body as a human shield.
…You really weren’t used to so much attention, obviously.
“Cinderella,” Itachi started, his voice eerily calm, “Please tell me why this shoe fits you if you stayed home to do chores like I told you to…” You just gave him a nervous laugh in response before cowering behind Deidara some more. “You didn’t actually go to the ball, did you?”
“It’s not my fault!” you cried. “The evil shadowy magical godfather made me do it!”
Itachi frowned. “Do you really expect me to fall for that again? You used that same excuse when you clogged the toilet with Sasori’s left arm.”
“…That was Deidara” you said with a deadpan stare.
“…And why would you ban my future bride from going to my ball when all fair maiden’s were ordered to come?” Kisame questioned, his beady little shark eyes getting a dark look as he stared Itachi down. Why, if you hadn’t deliberately disobeyed your stepmother’s orders then he would’ve never met you and probably would’ve ended up meeting some nice mild-mannered girl who lived on an eggplant farm and didn’t care about his appearance and would have had thirteen sharky babies with her instead of him fulfilling his dreams by marrying a bitch that acted just like his mother on a bad day.
Itachi blinked, not at all bothered by Kisame’s glares. “Well, you invited all fair maidens and, sad to say, little Cindy here hasn’t been a maiden for years, if you catch my drift.” Kisame blinked, you twitched. Itachi took this as a sign to continue. “Yes, she may not look like the type, but Cinderella is probably one of the loosest girls I know. She’s always chasing after all the boys with her legs high in the air. The poor girl can’t seem to control her raging hormones.” He whispered this part slowly; “I’ve even seen her chase after my poor daughter Deidara on a few occasions.”
“It’s true, yeah!” Deidara piped in, doing whatever he could to prevent you from being taken away from him and to some smelly old prince. “I can’t really blame her though; I am undeniably irresistible, yeah.”
You rolled your eyes at the blatant lies spewing from Itachi’s and Deidara’s mouths. You had only chased Deidara once in your life and it was out of rage, not love. The jerk had been taking pictures of you while you were sleeping and posting them on the internet. Again.
Kisame frowned at the news of his promiscuous bride-to-be but held his head high in determination. “This may be so, but she’s still the love of my life and I would gladly serenade her with another love song, given the chance. Come to me, Cinderella” Kisame called, his hands outstretched to you. “Come to the dark side; we have bacon.”
While you did love bacon, you didn’t like it enough to exchange your freedom for it. You looked around frantically, surveying your surroundings for any chance of escape and found none. Well, if you ran with Deidara then he’d probably gladly defend you from the prince and take you away, but then you’d be stuck with Deidara instead and at least Kisame had a castle that was full of expensive things for you to steal and pawn off at the local market.
You sighed, resigning yourself to the fact that you would end up marrying Kisame whether you liked it or not, when, out of nowhere, an orange and black blur grabbed hold of you, swung you over its shoulder, and ran straight out of your house. You blinked before staring up at your savior’s face to see none other than an orange swirly mask.
“Tobi, I never thought I would say this, but am I glad to see you!”
The boy smiled stupidly behind his mask. “Tobi’s a good boy!”
You held onto Tobi tightly, urging him to speed up as he ran off carrying you towards the sunset.
Everyone blinked curiously, wondering what in the world had just happened as they stared at the Tobi-shaped hole in the wall.
Kisame sighed as he watched the love of his life being carried away by another man before quickly recovering and turning towards Deidara. “So, blondie-cakes, ever wanted to live in a castle?”
In the end, Kisame and Deidara found a kinship with each other since they had both fallen in love with and lost the same woman and ended up married. Itachi got to live in a castle for two days before he was kidnapped by Leader and never heard of again. Sasori modified himself into a birdhouse and spend the rest of his life outside of the castle reading his porn and getting pecked in the head by birds. Zetsu got to be the proud grandfather of twelve m-preg babies (though it would’ve been thirteen had he not eaten one of them). And you sold Tobi to a circus and used the money you got to buy yourself a nice cottage by the sea where you could live the rest of your days as a hermit since you decided at an early age that you hated people.
And they all lived happily ever after.