Post by Rockinmuffin on Apr 9, 2007 20:23:30 GMT -5
Disclaimer: I don’t own Naruto. After you read this story you’ll be thankful I don’t.
This story is based on the conversations my friends and I have about Naruto during our lunch break. And this isn’t even half of it. We have very disturbed, perverse minds.
Warning: Extreme perversion; you may never look at Naruto the same way again. Also, there could be spoilers for those of you that don’t watch anything more than the English show on TV.
I literally wrote this thing in like… fifteen minutes. >.>
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“I wonder what it would be like with Gaara…”
You pulled your eyes away from the Naruto manga in your hands in favor of turning towards your friend. “What are you talking about now?” you questioned with a raised eyebrow.
“What do you think sex with Gaara would be like?” she questioned you, her chin resting in the palms of her hand as she rested her elbows on the cafeteria table. “Do you think he would be a gentle lover or a rough-sex-machine?”
You turned back to your manga, a thoughtful frown on your face. “You do realize that Gaara is a twelve-year-old, right? Not to mention he’s a fictional character.”
“I know!” she remarked indignantly, her eyes narrowing lightly. “I’m just curious, that’s all.”
“Well,” you started, turning the page of your manga though you weren’t paying much attention to it any more, “What type of lover he is would be the last thing on my mind. There’s just so much that could go wrong if you had sex with Gaara.”
Your friend stared at you incredulously. “Care to elaborate?”
“Well, for one, his sand would get everywhere. And when I say everywhere, I mean every nook and cranny on your body, even ones you don’t even know about. Though, on the bright side, after a few years the sand might form together and create a pearl.”
Your friend gave you a look of distaste. “That’s disgusting. Must you talk so crudely during lunch?”
“You’re the one that started a conversation about sex with a fictional character. Besides, I’ve only just started.” You paused for a brief moment to take a sip of your soda. “If you tried to do anything kinky, like biting or scratching for example, his sand would probably pop up and crush you to death. Not to mention he can’t sleep.”
“So, what’s wrong with that?” your friend questioned, trying to defend the honor of a person that didn’t truly exist. “He’s possessed by a demon that won’t allow him to sleep.”
“Exactly. After sex, usually people are exhausted and if it’s late at night then they go to sleep. If you had sex with Gaara then he’d stay awake and just… watch you. All night. That, my friend, is just plain creepy. Or if he did succumb to slumber then his demon would take over.”
Your friend shivered at the thought. “That would suck; you know, being killed by Shukaku and all. And you’d be so drained from sex you wouldn’t even be able to stop him.”
“Oh no, he wouldn’t kill you, or at least, not first. No, Shukaku would probably rape you first, then kill you.” You took another sip of your soda, letting out a satisfied sigh at the refreshing taste. “Tanukis like sex, you know.”
Your friend let out a sigh, taking a sip of her own drink before turning back to you. “Thanks a lot. Now whenever I read a Gaara lemon I’m going to think of sand in uncomfortable places and a horny Shukaku. Way to ruin my fantasies.”
“Glad to be of assistance” you responded before turning back to your manga now that your ridiculous conversation was over.
“…You know who else would be gross to have sex with?”
“Who?” you questioned absentmindedly, your eyes glued to your manga book.
“Shino. I mean, just think about it. He has parasitic bugs living inside his body. They’d probably fall on top of you while you’re doing the nasty with him” she stated with a slight twitch.
“Yeah, that, or he’d jizz out bugs when he reached his climax” you said with a laugh, taking amusement in the horrified expression on your friend’s face. “Say, do you think Shino would keep his sunglasses on during sex?”
“Probably. His entire family never takes those annoying sunglasses off. I bet it’s because the bugs are secretly eating away at their eyes” she answered before taking another sip of her drink. “Speaking of eyes, what do you think Itachi would be like in bed? I bet he’d be all hot and dominant and rough.” Your friend practically drooled at the thought.
You rolled your eyes. “Please. You think Itachi is rough in bed? Try having sex with a shark. Now that’s a rough lover.”
Your friend rolled her eyes right back at you. “What could you possibly see in Kisame? He’s so weird. And ugly. And blue.”
“What can I say? I like my men the way I like my cars; big, blue, and built for comfort, not for speed.”
“Oh yeah?” Your friend quirked an elegant eyebrow at you. “Well, I like my men the way I like my cars; fast, red, and… and...” she trailed off, searching for the right thing to say.
“And uses up all your gas?” you filled in for her helpfully. You both laughed at this. Once the two of you settled, you continued. “All I’m saying is that Kisame’s probably packing. And, you do know that sharks have two you-know-whats, don’t you?”
Your friend’s eyes widened at this. “No way! How do you know this anyway?” she asked, eyeing you suspiciously.
“Don’t give me that look. I just watch Animal Planet and the Discovery Channel.” You frowned at the odd look your friend gave you as she sipped at her drink slowly. “What?! There’s nothing wrong with watching educational programs from time to time. And, you know, snakes have two too.”
At this, your friend nearly spat up half of her drink onto the table. “WHAT?!” She blushed as several people in the cafeteria turned towards her, then lowered her voice to whisper to you as she cleaned up her mess with a napkin. “So does that mean Orochimaru would have two?”
You shrugged your shoulders. “Possibly. I mean, if Kisame gets two then I guess Orochimaru would too.”
“Why would a guy need two anyway? After all, girls only have one special area.” Your friend tapped her nails on the table as she waited for your answer.
“For threesomes” you answered then finished off the rest of your drink. “What else?”
“Orochimaru wouldn’t have threesomes; he’s only interested in his precious Sasuke-kun.” Your friend let out a dreamy sigh at the thought.
You shuddered. “Don’t even get me started on Sasuke” you growled out, crushing your soda can in your hand at the thought of the boy.
Your friend blinked at you, pulling herself out of her stupor. “What’s wrong with Sasuke? Sasuke’s hot!” she answered, her eyes twinkling as she thought of the angsty avenger.
“Sasuke’s a prick” you responded as you threw your crushed can into the recycling bin, cheering to yourself as you made the shot. “He’d probably say the most ridiculous things during sex. I can imagine it now; he’d be on top of the woman he’s about to have sex with, grip his member, and say something along the lines of Behold the power of the Uchiha or something equally stupid.”
“Yeah, but you’d get lots of hot loving” your friend defended, a little bit of drool dripping out of her mouth and down her chin. “After all, he has to repopulate his clan. That’s a lot of babies to make.”
“Still, I’d take Naruto over Sasuke any day.”
“Naruto? But he’s such a dork! He’d be loud during sex and he’d say things ten times more ridiculous than what Sasuke would say. I’m cumming, believe it!” your friend mocked as she tried to impersonate Naruto’s voice.
You laughed. “True, but that’s what ear plugs are for. I think Naruto would be a very passionate lover. He’s got lots of energy and stamina… Though, it would be disturbing if the Kyuubi took control during sex. He’d probably do something similar to Shukaku. Still, I’m sure sex with a demon would be rather thrilling” you drawled off, tapping your finger against your chin.
“Yeah, thrilling” your friend stated sarcastically as she rolled her eyes. “About as thrilling as being raped by Zabuza’s big-ass sword, Zanbato. Or even Kisame’s Samehada.”
“Kisame’s sword looks like a giant tampon” you remarked, a dirty grin on your face. “Why do he and Zabuza need such big swords anyway? I bet my entire life’s savings that they’re both compensating for something.”
“Sounds plausible. Maybe that’s why the both of them have a thing for hanging around little boys that don’t know any better.”
You tilted your head to the side. “Huh?”
Your friend let out an irritated sigh. “Don’t act like that. You and I both know the way Kisame looks at Itachi. And even Kishimoto-sensei gave hints that Zabuza and Haku liked each other as more than friends.”
“…But Haku’s not a boy; he’s an it.” You chuckled at the look on your friend’s face as she tried to suppress her own laughter.
“True, true. You got me there” she said, still grinning. “But people could say the same thing for Deidara. Hell, when he first appeared most people thought that he was Sasori’s wife.”
You frowned. “That was just a mistake the translators made. Male and female pronouns are hard to tell apart. And even though Deidara looks pretty girly, at least he doesn’t walk around in a pink kimono.”
“Ah, touché.”
“Deidara’s so hot” you sighed dreamily. “If he was real I’d so hit that.”
Your friend laughed. “Of course, who wouldn’t? But you can’t forget Sasori! He needs just as much loving as Deidara, if not more.”
“Yeah, but Sasori is made out of wood” you pointed out. “I don’t think he even has a penis. And if he did, he’d have to make it detachable because otherwise there’d be a constant bump poking out of his cloak so he’d always look like he had a boner.”
“So that’s why they call it a woody” your friend giggled at her own joke.
You nodded your head. “Uh-huh. And just imagine having that thing inside you. You’d get splinters in very uncomfortable places. Plus, eventually termites would probably come and eat him and his package.”
“Better him than me” your friend answered, finishing off what was left of her own drink. “Sex with Zetsu would be scary; he’d probably eat you afterward. Or he’d have some odd sexual kinks, what with being a cannibal and all.”
“Don’t forget, Zetsu’s a plant too” you reminded her.
“That’s true!” she exclaimed with widened eyes. “That means that Miracle Grow would be like Viagra for him!”
“And if he ever got you angry then you could just spray his penis with weed killer” you laughed. “But you’re right; he probably would have some odd sexual kinks. I bet he sprouts vines and rapes unsuspecting school girls.”
“Nuh-uh!” your friend snickered. “Kakuzu is the one and only master of tentacle porn. Those threads of his are so molestable” she said with a pervy grin.
“Oh yeah” you replied sarcastically, “Nothing gets me hotter than a guy that comes with his own threads. I bet he knits sweaters in his free time, the Nancy-boy.”
“So what if he does?” your friend defended. “Then he can sell them and make a profit for the Akatsuki so they can continue their conquest for world domination.”
“They can dominate me any time” you muttered, your mouth salivating.
“You’re drooling over fictional characters again” your friend teased, using a napkin to wipe the drool away from the corner of your mouth.
You frowned, pushing her hand away from your mouth. “As if you’re one to talk. You’re the one that started this entire conversation, you child-molesting pervert!”
“Technically, since we were talking about characters from after the time-skip, Gaara would be fifteen instead of twelve, so ha!” your friend stated, sticking her tongue out at you in an immature manner.
You were about to respond with an immature gesture of your own when the shrill sound of the school bell rang, signaling the end of lunch. With a sigh, you gathered all your books and prepared to go back to your next class. Just before you left, a thought crossed your mind, and you turned towards your friend. “Have you noticed that no matter what we talk about, it always ends up being a conversation about the cast of Naruto?”
She nodded her head. “Yeah, and it almost always ends up being about something perverse.”
You sighed solemnly. “We are such losers; we really need to get lives of our own.”
“…So, same time tomorrow?” she asked, her head tilted to the side.
You smiled. “But of course. I still need to tell you my theory of how Tobi really got into the Akatsuki” you responded, a mischievous twinkle in your eyes.
And with that, the two of you walked off to class to deal with the harsh reality of the real world. Luckily, you had the image of sex with Gaara to help you get through the day.
The End.
This story is based on the conversations my friends and I have about Naruto during our lunch break. And this isn’t even half of it. We have very disturbed, perverse minds.
Warning: Extreme perversion; you may never look at Naruto the same way again. Also, there could be spoilers for those of you that don’t watch anything more than the English show on TV.
I literally wrote this thing in like… fifteen minutes. >.>
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“I wonder what it would be like with Gaara…”
You pulled your eyes away from the Naruto manga in your hands in favor of turning towards your friend. “What are you talking about now?” you questioned with a raised eyebrow.
“What do you think sex with Gaara would be like?” she questioned you, her chin resting in the palms of her hand as she rested her elbows on the cafeteria table. “Do you think he would be a gentle lover or a rough-sex-machine?”
You turned back to your manga, a thoughtful frown on your face. “You do realize that Gaara is a twelve-year-old, right? Not to mention he’s a fictional character.”
“I know!” she remarked indignantly, her eyes narrowing lightly. “I’m just curious, that’s all.”
“Well,” you started, turning the page of your manga though you weren’t paying much attention to it any more, “What type of lover he is would be the last thing on my mind. There’s just so much that could go wrong if you had sex with Gaara.”
Your friend stared at you incredulously. “Care to elaborate?”
“Well, for one, his sand would get everywhere. And when I say everywhere, I mean every nook and cranny on your body, even ones you don’t even know about. Though, on the bright side, after a few years the sand might form together and create a pearl.”
Your friend gave you a look of distaste. “That’s disgusting. Must you talk so crudely during lunch?”
“You’re the one that started a conversation about sex with a fictional character. Besides, I’ve only just started.” You paused for a brief moment to take a sip of your soda. “If you tried to do anything kinky, like biting or scratching for example, his sand would probably pop up and crush you to death. Not to mention he can’t sleep.”
“So, what’s wrong with that?” your friend questioned, trying to defend the honor of a person that didn’t truly exist. “He’s possessed by a demon that won’t allow him to sleep.”
“Exactly. After sex, usually people are exhausted and if it’s late at night then they go to sleep. If you had sex with Gaara then he’d stay awake and just… watch you. All night. That, my friend, is just plain creepy. Or if he did succumb to slumber then his demon would take over.”
Your friend shivered at the thought. “That would suck; you know, being killed by Shukaku and all. And you’d be so drained from sex you wouldn’t even be able to stop him.”
“Oh no, he wouldn’t kill you, or at least, not first. No, Shukaku would probably rape you first, then kill you.” You took another sip of your soda, letting out a satisfied sigh at the refreshing taste. “Tanukis like sex, you know.”
Your friend let out a sigh, taking a sip of her own drink before turning back to you. “Thanks a lot. Now whenever I read a Gaara lemon I’m going to think of sand in uncomfortable places and a horny Shukaku. Way to ruin my fantasies.”
“Glad to be of assistance” you responded before turning back to your manga now that your ridiculous conversation was over.
“…You know who else would be gross to have sex with?”
“Who?” you questioned absentmindedly, your eyes glued to your manga book.
“Shino. I mean, just think about it. He has parasitic bugs living inside his body. They’d probably fall on top of you while you’re doing the nasty with him” she stated with a slight twitch.
“Yeah, that, or he’d jizz out bugs when he reached his climax” you said with a laugh, taking amusement in the horrified expression on your friend’s face. “Say, do you think Shino would keep his sunglasses on during sex?”
“Probably. His entire family never takes those annoying sunglasses off. I bet it’s because the bugs are secretly eating away at their eyes” she answered before taking another sip of her drink. “Speaking of eyes, what do you think Itachi would be like in bed? I bet he’d be all hot and dominant and rough.” Your friend practically drooled at the thought.
You rolled your eyes. “Please. You think Itachi is rough in bed? Try having sex with a shark. Now that’s a rough lover.”
Your friend rolled her eyes right back at you. “What could you possibly see in Kisame? He’s so weird. And ugly. And blue.”
“What can I say? I like my men the way I like my cars; big, blue, and built for comfort, not for speed.”
“Oh yeah?” Your friend quirked an elegant eyebrow at you. “Well, I like my men the way I like my cars; fast, red, and… and...” she trailed off, searching for the right thing to say.
“And uses up all your gas?” you filled in for her helpfully. You both laughed at this. Once the two of you settled, you continued. “All I’m saying is that Kisame’s probably packing. And, you do know that sharks have two you-know-whats, don’t you?”
Your friend’s eyes widened at this. “No way! How do you know this anyway?” she asked, eyeing you suspiciously.
“Don’t give me that look. I just watch Animal Planet and the Discovery Channel.” You frowned at the odd look your friend gave you as she sipped at her drink slowly. “What?! There’s nothing wrong with watching educational programs from time to time. And, you know, snakes have two too.”
At this, your friend nearly spat up half of her drink onto the table. “WHAT?!” She blushed as several people in the cafeteria turned towards her, then lowered her voice to whisper to you as she cleaned up her mess with a napkin. “So does that mean Orochimaru would have two?”
You shrugged your shoulders. “Possibly. I mean, if Kisame gets two then I guess Orochimaru would too.”
“Why would a guy need two anyway? After all, girls only have one special area.” Your friend tapped her nails on the table as she waited for your answer.
“For threesomes” you answered then finished off the rest of your drink. “What else?”
“Orochimaru wouldn’t have threesomes; he’s only interested in his precious Sasuke-kun.” Your friend let out a dreamy sigh at the thought.
You shuddered. “Don’t even get me started on Sasuke” you growled out, crushing your soda can in your hand at the thought of the boy.
Your friend blinked at you, pulling herself out of her stupor. “What’s wrong with Sasuke? Sasuke’s hot!” she answered, her eyes twinkling as she thought of the angsty avenger.
“Sasuke’s a prick” you responded as you threw your crushed can into the recycling bin, cheering to yourself as you made the shot. “He’d probably say the most ridiculous things during sex. I can imagine it now; he’d be on top of the woman he’s about to have sex with, grip his member, and say something along the lines of Behold the power of the Uchiha or something equally stupid.”
“Yeah, but you’d get lots of hot loving” your friend defended, a little bit of drool dripping out of her mouth and down her chin. “After all, he has to repopulate his clan. That’s a lot of babies to make.”
“Still, I’d take Naruto over Sasuke any day.”
“Naruto? But he’s such a dork! He’d be loud during sex and he’d say things ten times more ridiculous than what Sasuke would say. I’m cumming, believe it!” your friend mocked as she tried to impersonate Naruto’s voice.
You laughed. “True, but that’s what ear plugs are for. I think Naruto would be a very passionate lover. He’s got lots of energy and stamina… Though, it would be disturbing if the Kyuubi took control during sex. He’d probably do something similar to Shukaku. Still, I’m sure sex with a demon would be rather thrilling” you drawled off, tapping your finger against your chin.
“Yeah, thrilling” your friend stated sarcastically as she rolled her eyes. “About as thrilling as being raped by Zabuza’s big-ass sword, Zanbato. Or even Kisame’s Samehada.”
“Kisame’s sword looks like a giant tampon” you remarked, a dirty grin on your face. “Why do he and Zabuza need such big swords anyway? I bet my entire life’s savings that they’re both compensating for something.”
“Sounds plausible. Maybe that’s why the both of them have a thing for hanging around little boys that don’t know any better.”
You tilted your head to the side. “Huh?”
Your friend let out an irritated sigh. “Don’t act like that. You and I both know the way Kisame looks at Itachi. And even Kishimoto-sensei gave hints that Zabuza and Haku liked each other as more than friends.”
“…But Haku’s not a boy; he’s an it.” You chuckled at the look on your friend’s face as she tried to suppress her own laughter.
“True, true. You got me there” she said, still grinning. “But people could say the same thing for Deidara. Hell, when he first appeared most people thought that he was Sasori’s wife.”
You frowned. “That was just a mistake the translators made. Male and female pronouns are hard to tell apart. And even though Deidara looks pretty girly, at least he doesn’t walk around in a pink kimono.”
“Ah, touché.”
“Deidara’s so hot” you sighed dreamily. “If he was real I’d so hit that.”
Your friend laughed. “Of course, who wouldn’t? But you can’t forget Sasori! He needs just as much loving as Deidara, if not more.”
“Yeah, but Sasori is made out of wood” you pointed out. “I don’t think he even has a penis. And if he did, he’d have to make it detachable because otherwise there’d be a constant bump poking out of his cloak so he’d always look like he had a boner.”
“So that’s why they call it a woody” your friend giggled at her own joke.
You nodded your head. “Uh-huh. And just imagine having that thing inside you. You’d get splinters in very uncomfortable places. Plus, eventually termites would probably come and eat him and his package.”
“Better him than me” your friend answered, finishing off what was left of her own drink. “Sex with Zetsu would be scary; he’d probably eat you afterward. Or he’d have some odd sexual kinks, what with being a cannibal and all.”
“Don’t forget, Zetsu’s a plant too” you reminded her.
“That’s true!” she exclaimed with widened eyes. “That means that Miracle Grow would be like Viagra for him!”
“And if he ever got you angry then you could just spray his penis with weed killer” you laughed. “But you’re right; he probably would have some odd sexual kinks. I bet he sprouts vines and rapes unsuspecting school girls.”
“Nuh-uh!” your friend snickered. “Kakuzu is the one and only master of tentacle porn. Those threads of his are so molestable” she said with a pervy grin.
“Oh yeah” you replied sarcastically, “Nothing gets me hotter than a guy that comes with his own threads. I bet he knits sweaters in his free time, the Nancy-boy.”
“So what if he does?” your friend defended. “Then he can sell them and make a profit for the Akatsuki so they can continue their conquest for world domination.”
“They can dominate me any time” you muttered, your mouth salivating.
“You’re drooling over fictional characters again” your friend teased, using a napkin to wipe the drool away from the corner of your mouth.
You frowned, pushing her hand away from your mouth. “As if you’re one to talk. You’re the one that started this entire conversation, you child-molesting pervert!”
“Technically, since we were talking about characters from after the time-skip, Gaara would be fifteen instead of twelve, so ha!” your friend stated, sticking her tongue out at you in an immature manner.
You were about to respond with an immature gesture of your own when the shrill sound of the school bell rang, signaling the end of lunch. With a sigh, you gathered all your books and prepared to go back to your next class. Just before you left, a thought crossed your mind, and you turned towards your friend. “Have you noticed that no matter what we talk about, it always ends up being a conversation about the cast of Naruto?”
She nodded her head. “Yeah, and it almost always ends up being about something perverse.”
You sighed solemnly. “We are such losers; we really need to get lives of our own.”
“…So, same time tomorrow?” she asked, her head tilted to the side.
You smiled. “But of course. I still need to tell you my theory of how Tobi really got into the Akatsuki” you responded, a mischievous twinkle in your eyes.
And with that, the two of you walked off to class to deal with the harsh reality of the real world. Luckily, you had the image of sex with Gaara to help you get through the day.
The End.
Ever notice how the word "therapist" is just "the" and "rapist" put together? Think about it. 