Post by Rockinmuffin on Feb 25, 2007 21:00:20 GMT -5
Don’t ask what inspired me to write this piece of random weirdness; I was just bored and felt like writing something stupid and it ended up evolving into this monstrosity that you see before you. …This has to be the longest one-shot I’ve ever written in my life. I hope you enjoy reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it.
Warning: Major, intentional OOCness in the story. Don’t like, don’t read. Also, possible spoilers if you don’t read scanned translations of Naruto.
Disclaimer: As always, Naruto doesn’t belong to me. However, if I did own it, the Akatsuki uniform would consist of nothing but cute little black boxers with a red cloud on the crotch… And a bowtie, cuz that’s just plain classy. And, by the way, Itachi’s blue balls comment was shamelessly stolen from the amazing OmniStrife whom is the creator of Fun with Akatsuki on Youtube.com. Watch it.
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Ever have one of those days when you just happen to wake up on the wrong side of the bed? Of course you have because today is one of those days. Sadly, for you, the wrong side of the bed just so happens to be the side of the bed next to the open window that’s three stories above the ground.
Not a fun way to start a day, especially a bad one.
You slowly trudged back inside the Akatsuki hideout and went into the kitchen, glaring slightly at the fully-dressed and much too chipper blonde that was already sitting at the table.
“Morning _____-san!” Deidara waved enthusiastically to you with his right hand while his left hand was busy munching away at his toast while he wasn’t looking.
You shivered at the thought of what else Deidara’s hands might do while he’s not looking, then shook yourself out of it. You really weren’t in the mood to have dirty fantasies about Deidara’s hands this early in the morning. You slowly sat yourself down in your chair, wincing in pain, then poured yourself a heart-healthy bowl of Cheerios because you love your heart. Your heart is your second-favorite muscle next to your tongue. …Because tongues are just so cool and useful.
“So… Roll out the open window in your sleep again, yeah?”
You nodded your head in response. “Uh-huh. Zetsu-san’s roses are really lovely this time of year. They just started to bloom” you mutter somewhat darkly as you pull a few rose thorns out from your tender derriere.
“Awww, did _____-chibi hurt her poor little bottom? I’ll kiss it better, yeah!” Deidara exclaimed as he extended his arms towards you. You backed away from the blonde boy’s puckered lips while somehow managing to suspiciously eye the mouths on his hands. You could’ve sworn you just saw a tongue peek out from the strange mouth to make some obscene gestures at you…
“Aaaaaaah! Deidara-san! Get your mouths away from my ass!”
“C’mon, just a little kiss, yeah…”
“Noooooooooooooooooo! Get away from me you sick mofo!”
You and Deidara continued yelling at each other (Well, you were yelling, Deidara was just trying to feel you up and possibly stick one of his tongues down your throat…) and making other loud and obnoxious noises when you were both suddenly interrupted.
“What do you two think you’re doing so early in the morning?”
The both of you instantly stopped your fighting and turned to the side to see who was brave enough to try to deal with the two of you before they had their morning coffee. You and Deidara both gasped melodramatically to set the mood.
There standing before you in all his glory was the great Uchiha Itachi, sporting a pair of black pajama pants with red hearts all over them, a matching top, and a head full of curlers. You would’ve laughed at the sight if you hadn’t already learned your lesson. Last time you laughed at Itachi, he beat you to near-death with a bag of marshmallows.
To this day, you still have trouble looking at a marshmallow without screaming.
However, Deidara had yet to learn his lesson and burst out into a fit of very feminine-sounding giggles. Itachi glared at him, pulled out a bag of extra-fluffy marshmallows, and proceeded to do what Itachi does best: hurt people and make small children cry. You ignored the scene and Deidara’s cries of pain and went back to eating your Cheerios before they turned soggy in your milk.
When Itachi was finally satisfied with his work, he pocketed what was left of the marshmallows and sat at the table across from you. You twitched as he calmly poured a bowl of Lucky Charms, glaring at the many marshmallow treats that tried to disguise themselves as different colorful miscellaneous items. Growing tired of the unnerving silence, you decided to try to start a friendly conversation.
“So, Itachi-san, did you wake up on the wrong side of the bed too?” you questioned, gesturing towards the quivering form known as Deidara that was lying on the floor in immense pain.
Itachi looked at Deidara, then back at you, his calm demeanor never faltering. “No. I just like hurting people.” Itachi turned his full attention back towards his box of Lucky Charms. He read over the back of the box while chuckling darkly to himself. “Oh Lucky, when will you ever learn? The only way to keep those kids away from your Lucky Charms is to kill them.”
You shuddered to yourself then discreetly scooted your chair away from Itachi while he was too engrossed with the back of his cereal box to notice. Itachi with sugar was a scary, scary thing.
You nearly jumped out of your chair when you felt a slight tugging on your pants leg. You looked down excitedly, hoping to see a puppy, but you pouted when you realized it was just Deidara. “_____-san, I think I’m dieing… Yeah… Call Sasori-danna. Or Oprah Winfrey, yeah. She would know what to do.”
“…Your hand is drooling on my pants.”
And with that, you kicked Deidara across the room so he would stop drooling on your favorite pair of pajama pants. Satisfied with the loud thump sound Deidara’s skull made as it connected with the wall, you went back to eating your cereal only to discover that (GASP) it had become soggy. You sighed to yourself. Great, just great. How could your day possibly get any worse?
“I smell… muffins.”
The right side of your face twitched noticeably at the sound of the new voice. You turned around and, sure enough, there stood Sasori wearing nothing but a pair of Kermit the Frog boxers. The look on his face creeped you out; there was nothing particularly creepy about him, besides the fact that his face rarely changed expressions and his voice always sounded monotonous, it was just… Well, you know those glass dolls with those really pretty eyes that just keep staring at you? Well, Sasori kind of reminded you of those things.
You sighed, then turned back to your bowl of soggy Cheerios. “Sasori-san, you’re a puppet. You don’t smell and you definitely don’t eat. Besides, we don’t even have any muffins.”
“Oh yeah… I forgot.” And with that, Sasori sat down quietly to read the newspaper comics.
“Sasori-danna! Itachi-san and _____-san were mean to me!” Deidara whined as he literally crawled over to Sasori, pointing out the multiple bruises he gained from his marshmallow beating and one particularly bad bump on his head that was bleeding. “I think they brained my damage!”
“Hey, don’t try to pin that on us. It’s not our fault that your mother decided to go on a non-stop smoking and drinking binge while you were still in the womb. Nor is it our fault that your father dropped you on your head when you were an infant. Your parents gave you brain damage, not us.” You took a sip of orange juice, then added thoughtfully, “Itachi and I just gave you emotional trauma and a few flesh wounds.”
You took another sip of your orange juice while Deidara sat in a dark corner and cried to himself, rambling on about abusive parents and friends that beat him up. Itachi continued to eat his Lucky Charms, pausing every few minutes to chuckle at something on the back of the colorful cardboard box. Sasori did his best to ignore Deidara’s crying and whimpering which was mostly directed towards him.
It was a relatively peaceful morning in the Akatsuki kitchen. Of course, half the members of the organization didn’t even know the definition of the word peace, so you knew the moment of tranquility would be short-lived.
And no sooner had you finished this thought when another member of your dysfunctional family decided to join you for breakfast; Zetsu, the man-eating houseplant with a split personality. And he was sporting a yellow pajama shirt and pants with palm trees on them. He was one of the few members at the Akatsuki that actually made you feel normal in comparison.
No, wait, scratch that. All the members of the Akatsuki made you feel normal in comparison. Zetsu just happened to be one of the most criminally insane members.
“Good morning, Zetsu-san” you smiled as you politely greeted the giant Venus Fly Trap.
“Good morning, _____-san! What’s so good about it, you annoying little twit? Don’t call _____-san names! She’s a good girl! Oh? And who’s going to stop us? We are! We’d like to see you try, you pansies!”
You sighed to yourself. Great, just great. The day had barely even begun and Zetsu was already arguing with himself. And it still creeped you out how both the light and the dark sides of Zetsu referred to themselves as We instead of I. Not to mention it was confusing and way too much information for your poor brain to process this early in the morning without any caffeine or sugar to wake you up.
A little voice in the back of your mind told you the day was just going to get worse and worse. Most likely it was your conscience. You kindly told the voice to shut the hell up. The voice went back to the deepest, darkest corner of your mind and cried itself to sleep.
“So, anyone want some coffee?” you offered as you got up from your seat, wincing at the many aches and pains from falling out the window, and walked over to the coffee pot.
Itachi turned his head slowly towards you, his intense gaze drilling holes into your skull. “Yes. Two packets of sugar and a dash of milk. If I discover that you put any more or less in my drink, even if it be only by a single grain of sugar, I will torture you so intensely that you’ll be begging me for the sweet release of death. My face will haunt your nightmares and you’ll wake up screaming my name every night in a cold sweat.”
Your eyes widened considerably as you stared at the Uchiha prodigy. “Are you threatening to torture me or to rape me?!”
Itachi just smirked in response, then returned his attention back to his Lucky Charms.
You twitched. “Okay… Two packets of sugar and a dash of milk. Got it. Anyone else want coffee?”
Deidara had finally gotten over his sudden case of depression and leaped out of the corner of the room with the grace and speed of a cheetah on crack, landing in front of you and wearing a smile akin to the cat that got the canary. “I want some coffee, yeah! With lots of sugar! And chocolate and whipped cream, yeah! And sugar, don’t forget the sugar! Yeah!”
Sugar seemed to be the last thing that the hyperactive blonde needed, but you weren’t really in the mood to argue with him. Besides, you wouldn’t have to deal with it for too long; Deidara was Sasori’s partner, not yours. And if Deidara was turned into a puppet for annoying his partner then that wasn’t any of your business.
“What about you, Zetsu-san? Would you like any coffee?”
“Yes, child. We’ll have our coffee black. No, wait, we’ll have some milk and sugar. We prefer black…
You sighed to yourself again, ignoring the throbbing in your temple as you gathered the box full of ground coffee, the packets of sugar, and a carton of milk. You would just give Zetsu his coffee black with some milk and sugar on the side so he could add it himself if he wanted to. You’d rather not risk becoming the man-eating houseplant’s meal for the day.
“_____-san, aren’t you going to ask if I want any coffee?”
“Sasori-san, for the last time, you’re a puppet. You don’t drink coffee and you don’t eat muffins. You just sit there and… I dunno, give people splinters or something.”
“…It hurts my feelings when you say things like that, _____-san.”
“…”
“Besides, whether I drink coffee or not is irrelevant. It still would’ve been nice if you had offered...” the red-haired puppet trailed off, looking over your form with a bored expression.
You looked Sasori over carefully, trying to figure out what he could possibly be up to. After a few seconds you simply gave up. “Would you like a cup of coffee, Sasori-san?” you asked cheerily with a smile so sweet that the mere sight of it could give even Itachi a bad case of diabetes.
Sasori stared back at you, his expression as impassive as ever. “Of course not, you fool. Puppets don’t drink coffee.”
You glared at the smirk that had slowly but surely formed on the puppet’s face. “I hate you. I hate you so very much. I just thought you should know that.” And with that said and done, you returned back to your place in front of the coffee pot.
Once the bubbly brew was finally heated, you prepared drinks for Itachi, Deidara, Zetsu, and yourself. You even made a small cup for Sasori so he could feel significant and then maybe he’d shut up and stop harassing you. He gave you a brief, appreciative look, which you returned with a tired smile. Maybe he just liked how coffee looked? You didn’t really know, nor did you care enough to take the time to ask him.
Zetsu was still arguing with himself about how he should fix up his coffee; he barely acknowledged your presence as you set the coffee mug in front of him. Deidara, on the other hand, had already finished over half of his drink and was running around the kitchen table shouting something along the lines of, “I’m a magical sugar pixie, yeah!”
Itachi took a tentative sip of his drink, then immediately shot you a deadly glare. “You put too much sugar in my coffee.”
You gasped lightly. “B-but, Itachi-san,” you stuttered, “I only put two packets of sugar in, just like you said.”
That’s when you heard an evil, high-pitched, giggle echo throughout the room. You turned to your left to see Deidara whom had somehow managed to crawl on your left shoulder without you noticing, which was rather odd considering he was bigger and heavier than you. Perhaps now you’ll learn never to underestimate the powers of a hyper blonde on a sugar high. They truly are a force to be reckoned with.
“I think Itachi-san likes sugar, don’t you? Yeah.” You stared at Deidara, your mouth agape, while he snickered to himself. Your right eye twitched, then the entire right side of your face, and soon your entire body was jerking about wildly as you beat Deidara into a bloody pulp with nothing but your bare fists and the occasional coffee mug full of scalding hot coffee. You made a mental note to remind yourself to thank Sasori for continuously filling up the mug for you.
Just as you had gotten a hold on a particularly sharp butter knife, Itachi stood up from his seat. He gave you a quick glance that practically screamed “Your virginity is mine!” then walked off to his room as if nothing had happened, coffee mug still in hand.
Knowing that taking out your anger on Deidara, as stress-relieving as it was, wouldn’t make things any better, you stood up and set the butter knife back down on the table. You quickly cleaned up the dirty dishes that weren’t still being used then sat down at the table across from Sasori. You amused yourself for a few minutes by watching Deidara twitch on the floor, but you found that it wasn’t enough to keep your mind off other things.
“Ya know, sometimes that Uchiha kid scares me” you admitted as you took a sip of your coffee. “And I think he put something in my drink…” you muttered as you eyed your mug of coffee warily.
“Nope! That was me, yeah!” Deidara exclaimed as he stood from his place on the floor with a raised hand. You stared at him for a moment, then chucked your coffee mug at his forehead. You smiled to yourself as the ceramic mug crashed against his face, causing him to get scalded by the burning caffeinated drink. Eventually Deidara stopped screaming and took a nap on the floor by Sasori’s feet.
Sasori turned his bored gaze back to you. “You should let me turn you into a puppet. Puppets can’t feel fear.”
You shuddered to yourself. “I’ll think about it…” Honestly, the thought of being turned into one of those creepy over-sized dolls wasn’t appealing to you in the least bit, but Sasori took great pride in his collection and you weren’t in the mood to get any farther on his bad side today. Besides, in his own way, Sasori was trying to cheer you up; he just had a strange way of doing it.
Slowly, you stood up from your place at the table and walked back to your room to get dressed, leaving behind Sasori, Deidara, and Zetsu whom was still arguing with himself about how to prepare his coffee.
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Everyone was quickly gathering around into the hideout’s equivalent of a living room, waiting for Leader-sama to make his appearance and give out assignments to all the members of his cult… erg, organization.
Hidan and Kakuzu had just gotten back from an important mission that morning (though you didn’t exactly understand how ordering a plate of hot wings from Hooters could be considered an important mission) and were currently resting on bean bag chairs. Why did a feared criminal cult/organization full of skilled S-classed missing nins have bean bag chairs? You didn’t know the answer to that, nor did you care. All that mattered were that the bean bag chairs were comfy, practical, and they somehow managed to add some class to the room. …Which proves how un-classy and unrefined the entire Akatsuki headquarters were as a whole.
Deidara was sitting in the middle of the floor playing with his clay and molding it into the shape of some weird kind of bird thing. Or maybe it was just Play-Doh; you didn’t really care as long as he didn’t blow up the curtains again. Those things were expensive and for some reason whenever Deidara blew something up it came out of your paycheck. Maybe it was because you always provided Deidara with extra sugar.
Meanwhile, Sasori was sitting in the corner of the room, playing with some of his life-sized Barbie dolls. Sure, he said that they were puppets that he made out of people, but you were almost positive that it was just an excuse for him to play with dollies without being made fun of. How tragic for him…
Kisame had finally gotten his lazy ass out of bed and was currently munching on one of the couch cushions since he hadn’t had the pleasure of sharing breakfast with you and the other Akatsuki members. Sometimes you wondered if he slept through breakfast on purpose just so he wouldn’t have to deal with idiots so early in the morning. The few extra moments of peace would be more than worth the hunger pains.
“_____-san, _____-san! Look at what I made, yeah!” Deidara shoved one of his little clay birdies in your face, poking your eye with one of its wings. After you shoved Deidara to the ground and gave him a swift kick to the bum just for good measure, you held the clay bird up to your eye-level, observing it carefully. It was very detailed; the intricate pattern that nearly covered the entire bird looked just like feathers and the eyes sparkled with a strange light, almost making the bird look… sad. Why would a bird be sad?
Maybe because it just exploded in your face.
You twitched, still getting over the shock of the sudden explosion, then turned towards Deidara. Said blonde was currently snickering to himself from his spot on the floor. You growled and kicked him in the face. When he still didn’t stop laughing at you, you stepped on his fingers and poked him in the eye. He finally stopped laughing in favor of cradling his poor fingers and rubbing his now-irritated eye.
You had a satisfied smirk on your face as you calmly sat down on the couch next to Kisame, being careful as to not accidentally sit on a cushion covered in shark drool. You jumped in surprise when Kisame started nibbling on your ankle hungrily, then quickly bopped him on the back of his head. He whimpered pathetically, giving you a puppy-dog pout. You sighed as you pulled a cookie out of one of the many hidden pocket in your cloak and handed it to the shark man. Now, why you would keep a hidden stash of cookies in your Akatsuki cloak is still unknown, but it’s always good to have some goodies on hand when luring children into the back of your van... I mean, when luring the Jinchuuriki into the back of your van… Yeah…
He gave you a sharp-toothed grin as he accepted it, then gobbled it up within four seconds flat. You scooted farther away from him so he wouldn’t get any crumbs on your badass cloak.
“Zetsu-san, can I be in the Akatsuki now? Tobi’s a good boy!”
“Well… Tobi is a good boy… Tobi is an idiot.”
Zetsu got into a very heated argument with himself over Tobi while said Akatsuki-wannabe came over to the couch and started eating the neglected cookie crumbs that were sitting on the cushions. Eww… Well, look at the bright side; at least he appreciated your cookies.
You hastily scooted even farther away from Tobi and Kisame. Much to your dismay, you scooted right into a spot on the couch covered in shark drool. The right side of your face twitched as you immediately jumped up from the couch, backing away from it like it had the plague. You continued to back up as you glared at the couch, your fingers forming into some crude version of a crucifix, when you bumped into a solid form. You slowly turned your head around to see the last person you wanted to see at the moment; Uchiha Itachi.
The young man stared at you with his impassive Sharnigan eyes and you continued to stare back at him, noting something that you found to be quite odd.
“Itachi-san, why is your hair still straight when it was in curlers this morning?”
Itachi’s eyes narrowed somewhat, though his expression was still as emotionless as ever. “Strike two” he stated in his smooth voice, then walked away from you and hid in the shadows of the darkest corner of the room which just so happened to be right next to the Hello Kitty karaoke machine.
Completely forgetting about the shark drool on your cloak, you plopped yourself on the ground right next to Deidara who was currently creating more of his exploding birds. “Ya know, that Uchiha kid really, really freaks me out” you muttered while keeping your eyes on Itachi to make sure he didn’t pop out of nowhere and molest you to death.
“That’s just cuz he likes you and you’re still single, yeah. You’re the only female member of the Akatsuki besides that one blue-haired girl, but she never leaves her room unless she’s on a mission. It’s only natural that someone in the Akatsuki would take a liking to you, yeah” Deidara explained as he threw one of his clay birds at the curtains, causing it to explode on impact and leave nothing behind but a smoldering pile of ash. Great. That’s another thirty bucks out of your paycheck. “If you want Itachi-san off your back then what you need is for someone to pose as your boyfriend. Then maybe Itachi will leave you alone, yeah.”
You stared at Deidara, blinked, then stared some more. “I never thought I’d say this, but, Deidara-san, that’s actually a pretty good idea.” Deidara smirked in triumph. “Are you feeling okay? Do you have a fever?” you asked with a mock concerned look while placing the palm of your hand on Deidara’s forehead. Deidara scoffed, pushing your hand away with a small blush on his face.
Warning: Major, intentional OOCness in the story. Don’t like, don’t read. Also, possible spoilers if you don’t read scanned translations of Naruto.
Disclaimer: As always, Naruto doesn’t belong to me. However, if I did own it, the Akatsuki uniform would consist of nothing but cute little black boxers with a red cloud on the crotch… And a bowtie, cuz that’s just plain classy. And, by the way, Itachi’s blue balls comment was shamelessly stolen from the amazing OmniStrife whom is the creator of Fun with Akatsuki on Youtube.com. Watch it.
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Ever have one of those days when you just happen to wake up on the wrong side of the bed? Of course you have because today is one of those days. Sadly, for you, the wrong side of the bed just so happens to be the side of the bed next to the open window that’s three stories above the ground.
Not a fun way to start a day, especially a bad one.
You slowly trudged back inside the Akatsuki hideout and went into the kitchen, glaring slightly at the fully-dressed and much too chipper blonde that was already sitting at the table.
“Morning _____-san!” Deidara waved enthusiastically to you with his right hand while his left hand was busy munching away at his toast while he wasn’t looking.
You shivered at the thought of what else Deidara’s hands might do while he’s not looking, then shook yourself out of it. You really weren’t in the mood to have dirty fantasies about Deidara’s hands this early in the morning. You slowly sat yourself down in your chair, wincing in pain, then poured yourself a heart-healthy bowl of Cheerios because you love your heart. Your heart is your second-favorite muscle next to your tongue. …Because tongues are just so cool and useful.
“So… Roll out the open window in your sleep again, yeah?”
You nodded your head in response. “Uh-huh. Zetsu-san’s roses are really lovely this time of year. They just started to bloom” you mutter somewhat darkly as you pull a few rose thorns out from your tender derriere.
“Awww, did _____-chibi hurt her poor little bottom? I’ll kiss it better, yeah!” Deidara exclaimed as he extended his arms towards you. You backed away from the blonde boy’s puckered lips while somehow managing to suspiciously eye the mouths on his hands. You could’ve sworn you just saw a tongue peek out from the strange mouth to make some obscene gestures at you…
“Aaaaaaah! Deidara-san! Get your mouths away from my ass!”
“C’mon, just a little kiss, yeah…”
“Noooooooooooooooooo! Get away from me you sick mofo!”
You and Deidara continued yelling at each other (Well, you were yelling, Deidara was just trying to feel you up and possibly stick one of his tongues down your throat…) and making other loud and obnoxious noises when you were both suddenly interrupted.
“What do you two think you’re doing so early in the morning?”
The both of you instantly stopped your fighting and turned to the side to see who was brave enough to try to deal with the two of you before they had their morning coffee. You and Deidara both gasped melodramatically to set the mood.
There standing before you in all his glory was the great Uchiha Itachi, sporting a pair of black pajama pants with red hearts all over them, a matching top, and a head full of curlers. You would’ve laughed at the sight if you hadn’t already learned your lesson. Last time you laughed at Itachi, he beat you to near-death with a bag of marshmallows.
To this day, you still have trouble looking at a marshmallow without screaming.
However, Deidara had yet to learn his lesson and burst out into a fit of very feminine-sounding giggles. Itachi glared at him, pulled out a bag of extra-fluffy marshmallows, and proceeded to do what Itachi does best: hurt people and make small children cry. You ignored the scene and Deidara’s cries of pain and went back to eating your Cheerios before they turned soggy in your milk.
When Itachi was finally satisfied with his work, he pocketed what was left of the marshmallows and sat at the table across from you. You twitched as he calmly poured a bowl of Lucky Charms, glaring at the many marshmallow treats that tried to disguise themselves as different colorful miscellaneous items. Growing tired of the unnerving silence, you decided to try to start a friendly conversation.
“So, Itachi-san, did you wake up on the wrong side of the bed too?” you questioned, gesturing towards the quivering form known as Deidara that was lying on the floor in immense pain.
Itachi looked at Deidara, then back at you, his calm demeanor never faltering. “No. I just like hurting people.” Itachi turned his full attention back towards his box of Lucky Charms. He read over the back of the box while chuckling darkly to himself. “Oh Lucky, when will you ever learn? The only way to keep those kids away from your Lucky Charms is to kill them.”
You shuddered to yourself then discreetly scooted your chair away from Itachi while he was too engrossed with the back of his cereal box to notice. Itachi with sugar was a scary, scary thing.
You nearly jumped out of your chair when you felt a slight tugging on your pants leg. You looked down excitedly, hoping to see a puppy, but you pouted when you realized it was just Deidara. “_____-san, I think I’m dieing… Yeah… Call Sasori-danna. Or Oprah Winfrey, yeah. She would know what to do.”
“…Your hand is drooling on my pants.”
And with that, you kicked Deidara across the room so he would stop drooling on your favorite pair of pajama pants. Satisfied with the loud thump sound Deidara’s skull made as it connected with the wall, you went back to eating your cereal only to discover that (GASP) it had become soggy. You sighed to yourself. Great, just great. How could your day possibly get any worse?
“I smell… muffins.”
The right side of your face twitched noticeably at the sound of the new voice. You turned around and, sure enough, there stood Sasori wearing nothing but a pair of Kermit the Frog boxers. The look on his face creeped you out; there was nothing particularly creepy about him, besides the fact that his face rarely changed expressions and his voice always sounded monotonous, it was just… Well, you know those glass dolls with those really pretty eyes that just keep staring at you? Well, Sasori kind of reminded you of those things.
You sighed, then turned back to your bowl of soggy Cheerios. “Sasori-san, you’re a puppet. You don’t smell and you definitely don’t eat. Besides, we don’t even have any muffins.”
“Oh yeah… I forgot.” And with that, Sasori sat down quietly to read the newspaper comics.
“Sasori-danna! Itachi-san and _____-san were mean to me!” Deidara whined as he literally crawled over to Sasori, pointing out the multiple bruises he gained from his marshmallow beating and one particularly bad bump on his head that was bleeding. “I think they brained my damage!”
“Hey, don’t try to pin that on us. It’s not our fault that your mother decided to go on a non-stop smoking and drinking binge while you were still in the womb. Nor is it our fault that your father dropped you on your head when you were an infant. Your parents gave you brain damage, not us.” You took a sip of orange juice, then added thoughtfully, “Itachi and I just gave you emotional trauma and a few flesh wounds.”
You took another sip of your orange juice while Deidara sat in a dark corner and cried to himself, rambling on about abusive parents and friends that beat him up. Itachi continued to eat his Lucky Charms, pausing every few minutes to chuckle at something on the back of the colorful cardboard box. Sasori did his best to ignore Deidara’s crying and whimpering which was mostly directed towards him.
It was a relatively peaceful morning in the Akatsuki kitchen. Of course, half the members of the organization didn’t even know the definition of the word peace, so you knew the moment of tranquility would be short-lived.
And no sooner had you finished this thought when another member of your dysfunctional family decided to join you for breakfast; Zetsu, the man-eating houseplant with a split personality. And he was sporting a yellow pajama shirt and pants with palm trees on them. He was one of the few members at the Akatsuki that actually made you feel normal in comparison.
No, wait, scratch that. All the members of the Akatsuki made you feel normal in comparison. Zetsu just happened to be one of the most criminally insane members.
“Good morning, Zetsu-san” you smiled as you politely greeted the giant Venus Fly Trap.
“Good morning, _____-san! What’s so good about it, you annoying little twit? Don’t call _____-san names! She’s a good girl! Oh? And who’s going to stop us? We are! We’d like to see you try, you pansies!”
You sighed to yourself. Great, just great. The day had barely even begun and Zetsu was already arguing with himself. And it still creeped you out how both the light and the dark sides of Zetsu referred to themselves as We instead of I. Not to mention it was confusing and way too much information for your poor brain to process this early in the morning without any caffeine or sugar to wake you up.
A little voice in the back of your mind told you the day was just going to get worse and worse. Most likely it was your conscience. You kindly told the voice to shut the hell up. The voice went back to the deepest, darkest corner of your mind and cried itself to sleep.
“So, anyone want some coffee?” you offered as you got up from your seat, wincing at the many aches and pains from falling out the window, and walked over to the coffee pot.
Itachi turned his head slowly towards you, his intense gaze drilling holes into your skull. “Yes. Two packets of sugar and a dash of milk. If I discover that you put any more or less in my drink, even if it be only by a single grain of sugar, I will torture you so intensely that you’ll be begging me for the sweet release of death. My face will haunt your nightmares and you’ll wake up screaming my name every night in a cold sweat.”
Your eyes widened considerably as you stared at the Uchiha prodigy. “Are you threatening to torture me or to rape me?!”
Itachi just smirked in response, then returned his attention back to his Lucky Charms.
You twitched. “Okay… Two packets of sugar and a dash of milk. Got it. Anyone else want coffee?”
Deidara had finally gotten over his sudden case of depression and leaped out of the corner of the room with the grace and speed of a cheetah on crack, landing in front of you and wearing a smile akin to the cat that got the canary. “I want some coffee, yeah! With lots of sugar! And chocolate and whipped cream, yeah! And sugar, don’t forget the sugar! Yeah!”
Sugar seemed to be the last thing that the hyperactive blonde needed, but you weren’t really in the mood to argue with him. Besides, you wouldn’t have to deal with it for too long; Deidara was Sasori’s partner, not yours. And if Deidara was turned into a puppet for annoying his partner then that wasn’t any of your business.
“What about you, Zetsu-san? Would you like any coffee?”
“Yes, child. We’ll have our coffee black. No, wait, we’ll have some milk and sugar. We prefer black…
You sighed to yourself again, ignoring the throbbing in your temple as you gathered the box full of ground coffee, the packets of sugar, and a carton of milk. You would just give Zetsu his coffee black with some milk and sugar on the side so he could add it himself if he wanted to. You’d rather not risk becoming the man-eating houseplant’s meal for the day.
“_____-san, aren’t you going to ask if I want any coffee?”
“Sasori-san, for the last time, you’re a puppet. You don’t drink coffee and you don’t eat muffins. You just sit there and… I dunno, give people splinters or something.”
“…It hurts my feelings when you say things like that, _____-san.”
“…”
“Besides, whether I drink coffee or not is irrelevant. It still would’ve been nice if you had offered...” the red-haired puppet trailed off, looking over your form with a bored expression.
You looked Sasori over carefully, trying to figure out what he could possibly be up to. After a few seconds you simply gave up. “Would you like a cup of coffee, Sasori-san?” you asked cheerily with a smile so sweet that the mere sight of it could give even Itachi a bad case of diabetes.
Sasori stared back at you, his expression as impassive as ever. “Of course not, you fool. Puppets don’t drink coffee.”
You glared at the smirk that had slowly but surely formed on the puppet’s face. “I hate you. I hate you so very much. I just thought you should know that.” And with that said and done, you returned back to your place in front of the coffee pot.
Once the bubbly brew was finally heated, you prepared drinks for Itachi, Deidara, Zetsu, and yourself. You even made a small cup for Sasori so he could feel significant and then maybe he’d shut up and stop harassing you. He gave you a brief, appreciative look, which you returned with a tired smile. Maybe he just liked how coffee looked? You didn’t really know, nor did you care enough to take the time to ask him.
Zetsu was still arguing with himself about how he should fix up his coffee; he barely acknowledged your presence as you set the coffee mug in front of him. Deidara, on the other hand, had already finished over half of his drink and was running around the kitchen table shouting something along the lines of, “I’m a magical sugar pixie, yeah!”
Itachi took a tentative sip of his drink, then immediately shot you a deadly glare. “You put too much sugar in my coffee.”
You gasped lightly. “B-but, Itachi-san,” you stuttered, “I only put two packets of sugar in, just like you said.”
That’s when you heard an evil, high-pitched, giggle echo throughout the room. You turned to your left to see Deidara whom had somehow managed to crawl on your left shoulder without you noticing, which was rather odd considering he was bigger and heavier than you. Perhaps now you’ll learn never to underestimate the powers of a hyper blonde on a sugar high. They truly are a force to be reckoned with.
“I think Itachi-san likes sugar, don’t you? Yeah.” You stared at Deidara, your mouth agape, while he snickered to himself. Your right eye twitched, then the entire right side of your face, and soon your entire body was jerking about wildly as you beat Deidara into a bloody pulp with nothing but your bare fists and the occasional coffee mug full of scalding hot coffee. You made a mental note to remind yourself to thank Sasori for continuously filling up the mug for you.
Just as you had gotten a hold on a particularly sharp butter knife, Itachi stood up from his seat. He gave you a quick glance that practically screamed “Your virginity is mine!” then walked off to his room as if nothing had happened, coffee mug still in hand.
Knowing that taking out your anger on Deidara, as stress-relieving as it was, wouldn’t make things any better, you stood up and set the butter knife back down on the table. You quickly cleaned up the dirty dishes that weren’t still being used then sat down at the table across from Sasori. You amused yourself for a few minutes by watching Deidara twitch on the floor, but you found that it wasn’t enough to keep your mind off other things.
“Ya know, sometimes that Uchiha kid scares me” you admitted as you took a sip of your coffee. “And I think he put something in my drink…” you muttered as you eyed your mug of coffee warily.
“Nope! That was me, yeah!” Deidara exclaimed as he stood from his place on the floor with a raised hand. You stared at him for a moment, then chucked your coffee mug at his forehead. You smiled to yourself as the ceramic mug crashed against his face, causing him to get scalded by the burning caffeinated drink. Eventually Deidara stopped screaming and took a nap on the floor by Sasori’s feet.
Sasori turned his bored gaze back to you. “You should let me turn you into a puppet. Puppets can’t feel fear.”
You shuddered to yourself. “I’ll think about it…” Honestly, the thought of being turned into one of those creepy over-sized dolls wasn’t appealing to you in the least bit, but Sasori took great pride in his collection and you weren’t in the mood to get any farther on his bad side today. Besides, in his own way, Sasori was trying to cheer you up; he just had a strange way of doing it.
Slowly, you stood up from your place at the table and walked back to your room to get dressed, leaving behind Sasori, Deidara, and Zetsu whom was still arguing with himself about how to prepare his coffee.
~~~~~~*~~~~~~
Everyone was quickly gathering around into the hideout’s equivalent of a living room, waiting for Leader-sama to make his appearance and give out assignments to all the members of his cult… erg, organization.
Hidan and Kakuzu had just gotten back from an important mission that morning (though you didn’t exactly understand how ordering a plate of hot wings from Hooters could be considered an important mission) and were currently resting on bean bag chairs. Why did a feared criminal cult/organization full of skilled S-classed missing nins have bean bag chairs? You didn’t know the answer to that, nor did you care. All that mattered were that the bean bag chairs were comfy, practical, and they somehow managed to add some class to the room. …Which proves how un-classy and unrefined the entire Akatsuki headquarters were as a whole.
Deidara was sitting in the middle of the floor playing with his clay and molding it into the shape of some weird kind of bird thing. Or maybe it was just Play-Doh; you didn’t really care as long as he didn’t blow up the curtains again. Those things were expensive and for some reason whenever Deidara blew something up it came out of your paycheck. Maybe it was because you always provided Deidara with extra sugar.
Meanwhile, Sasori was sitting in the corner of the room, playing with some of his life-sized Barbie dolls. Sure, he said that they were puppets that he made out of people, but you were almost positive that it was just an excuse for him to play with dollies without being made fun of. How tragic for him…
Kisame had finally gotten his lazy ass out of bed and was currently munching on one of the couch cushions since he hadn’t had the pleasure of sharing breakfast with you and the other Akatsuki members. Sometimes you wondered if he slept through breakfast on purpose just so he wouldn’t have to deal with idiots so early in the morning. The few extra moments of peace would be more than worth the hunger pains.
“_____-san, _____-san! Look at what I made, yeah!” Deidara shoved one of his little clay birdies in your face, poking your eye with one of its wings. After you shoved Deidara to the ground and gave him a swift kick to the bum just for good measure, you held the clay bird up to your eye-level, observing it carefully. It was very detailed; the intricate pattern that nearly covered the entire bird looked just like feathers and the eyes sparkled with a strange light, almost making the bird look… sad. Why would a bird be sad?
Maybe because it just exploded in your face.
You twitched, still getting over the shock of the sudden explosion, then turned towards Deidara. Said blonde was currently snickering to himself from his spot on the floor. You growled and kicked him in the face. When he still didn’t stop laughing at you, you stepped on his fingers and poked him in the eye. He finally stopped laughing in favor of cradling his poor fingers and rubbing his now-irritated eye.
You had a satisfied smirk on your face as you calmly sat down on the couch next to Kisame, being careful as to not accidentally sit on a cushion covered in shark drool. You jumped in surprise when Kisame started nibbling on your ankle hungrily, then quickly bopped him on the back of his head. He whimpered pathetically, giving you a puppy-dog pout. You sighed as you pulled a cookie out of one of the many hidden pocket in your cloak and handed it to the shark man. Now, why you would keep a hidden stash of cookies in your Akatsuki cloak is still unknown, but it’s always good to have some goodies on hand when luring children into the back of your van... I mean, when luring the Jinchuuriki into the back of your van… Yeah…
He gave you a sharp-toothed grin as he accepted it, then gobbled it up within four seconds flat. You scooted farther away from him so he wouldn’t get any crumbs on your badass cloak.
“Zetsu-san, can I be in the Akatsuki now? Tobi’s a good boy!”
“Well… Tobi is a good boy… Tobi is an idiot.”
Zetsu got into a very heated argument with himself over Tobi while said Akatsuki-wannabe came over to the couch and started eating the neglected cookie crumbs that were sitting on the cushions. Eww… Well, look at the bright side; at least he appreciated your cookies.
You hastily scooted even farther away from Tobi and Kisame. Much to your dismay, you scooted right into a spot on the couch covered in shark drool. The right side of your face twitched as you immediately jumped up from the couch, backing away from it like it had the plague. You continued to back up as you glared at the couch, your fingers forming into some crude version of a crucifix, when you bumped into a solid form. You slowly turned your head around to see the last person you wanted to see at the moment; Uchiha Itachi.
The young man stared at you with his impassive Sharnigan eyes and you continued to stare back at him, noting something that you found to be quite odd.
“Itachi-san, why is your hair still straight when it was in curlers this morning?”
Itachi’s eyes narrowed somewhat, though his expression was still as emotionless as ever. “Strike two” he stated in his smooth voice, then walked away from you and hid in the shadows of the darkest corner of the room which just so happened to be right next to the Hello Kitty karaoke machine.
Completely forgetting about the shark drool on your cloak, you plopped yourself on the ground right next to Deidara who was currently creating more of his exploding birds. “Ya know, that Uchiha kid really, really freaks me out” you muttered while keeping your eyes on Itachi to make sure he didn’t pop out of nowhere and molest you to death.
“That’s just cuz he likes you and you’re still single, yeah. You’re the only female member of the Akatsuki besides that one blue-haired girl, but she never leaves her room unless she’s on a mission. It’s only natural that someone in the Akatsuki would take a liking to you, yeah” Deidara explained as he threw one of his clay birds at the curtains, causing it to explode on impact and leave nothing behind but a smoldering pile of ash. Great. That’s another thirty bucks out of your paycheck. “If you want Itachi-san off your back then what you need is for someone to pose as your boyfriend. Then maybe Itachi will leave you alone, yeah.”
You stared at Deidara, blinked, then stared some more. “I never thought I’d say this, but, Deidara-san, that’s actually a pretty good idea.” Deidara smirked in triumph. “Are you feeling okay? Do you have a fever?” you asked with a mock concerned look while placing the palm of your hand on Deidara’s forehead. Deidara scoffed, pushing your hand away with a small blush on his face.
Ever notice how the word "therapist" is just "the" and "rapist" put together? Think about it. 